


Sunlit Lands

by shadow_in_the_shade



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Consensual, Gang Rape, M/M, Mind Meld, Mindwiping, Non-Consensual, Rape, Rape Recovery, Revenge, Romance, Slash, Slave Trade, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-21
Updated: 2013-11-20
Packaged: 2017-12-27 05:29:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 25,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/974988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow_in_the_shade/pseuds/shadow_in_the_shade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk gets kidnapped and made a sex slave, Spock has to rescue him but there are unexpected challenges. Not the usual version of this story, Contains graphic non - con, trauma, abuse and violence with much healing in later chapters. Established Spirk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Many Sink down to the Undeworld

Sunlit Lands

"Many sink down to the underworld

\- And few return to the sunlit lands."

C.S Lewis "The Silver Chair"

1\. Many Sink down to the Underworld.

"Bridge to Captain Spock"

"Spock here, what news?"

"We've located him Captain, a precise location this time – District Nineteen on Priapus Twelve in the Magdalene Sector. We can be there in twenty five hours –"

"Warp factor nine Mr Sulu, halve that ETA if you can."

"Captain, warp factor nine is pushing our capabilities for that distance –"

"Warp factor nine Mr Sulu, Spock out."

Spock closes the communicator and turns to McCoy, visibly relieved and yet sickened all at once, opening his mouth to speak but unable to find the words.

"It's Jim isn't it?"

"Yes doctor. We have located him."

"Thank god. So why the long face?"

"He is on Priapus twelve."

McCoy's face registers this and falls –

"Which means –"

"Indeed" Spock interjects sharply, not wanting to hear aloud what they both already know – "Hence the need to increase our pace. It has been too long already –"

"Twenty one days –"

"Seven hours and sixteen minutes" nods Spock – "Too much may already have happened."

"But – damn it Spock –" says McCoy, not wanting to bring up something they would never normally acknowledge, but which he needs to know now – "You two are – I mean – surey you know if Jim is alright?"

"He is not" Spock replies flatly – "But I fear that is not the worst –"

"Spock, you're not making any sense! Jim's not alright and that's not the worst thing?"

"Doctor, I will not share information that will only emotionally compromise my chief Medical Officer – the last – communication I received indicated that things were very much not alright – however that communication was now over eleven days ago –"

"What does that mean though Spock? I mean – we know that Jim's not dead –"

"Indeed. It means that something has happened to block his thoughts from me and I am uncertain as to whether or not my own are getting through and that –"

"-That can't be good."

"It cannot. But doctor, we cannot speak of this to the crew at this stage. They know only what they have observed so far."

"Spock, when are you going to get it through your thick head that I'm a doctor and I don't betray a confidence?"

"Forgive me doctor – I am not – I am not functioning at a hundred percent. "

"Well, I guess I'd be worried if you were." He puts a hand on Spock's arm and Spock hears him think –

-I'm not just worried about Jim, I'm worried about you.

He blocks back any reply he could give to this, either out loud or silently, managing only a –

Forgive me – I cannot –

\- That, as it is, betrays more despair, even brokenness, than he would have wished.

"Doctor, I must go. If anyone needs me I shall be in my quarters" he says stiffly, leaving med bay quickly, before he can give anything more away.

_x_

Back in his room Spock leans his head back on the door, staring blankly at the ceiling, clenching his fists so tight that the nails did into his palms. He already has red crescents cut n them from doing this so much lately. It is the very least of his concerns.

Jim – he thinks, crying it out for the millionth time – Jim, where are you?

He pushes it out as hard as he can but the thought does not connect. The threads of their bond are not broken but flapping loosely, unable to meet. It is the worst pain he has felt yet; worse even than the physical separation. Only the knowledge that Jim is still alive keeps him even half way functioning as Captain of the Enterprise. Strange and illogical that now, when an end might be in sight, he feels the despair so heavily –

\- Failed you. I failed you. Jim, my Jim – forgive me –

_x_

They had been on Narcissus Eight, a class M planet in the Cerberus system. Assured that the natives were not a threat they had been utterly unprepared to find themselves suddenly surrounded by slavers from another star system, trawling these planets for fresh trade.

Kirk had broken off from them and so, originally, it had been Spock and McCoy who were captured, surrounded by at least half a dozen men with guns. Forced to surrender their phasers and communicators they had been left trying to convince the men that they did not want to do this to federation officers, but as the traders were already operating illegally this argument was failing. True to form Kirk had then rushed in with a great deal of bravery and very little forward planning, aiming a phaser right at the man in charge but getting two guns turned onto him immediately.

"Okay –" Kirk said slowly, thinking it through only too late – "I see how this works – I could shoot you and then you guys shoot me – whereupon my friends fight you to avenge me and everyone dies – trust me, that one –" he indicated McCoy, half smirking – "He's dangerous when I die. Or –" he paused for emphasis and to let them think about it – "You can let them go – and take me instead."

The man in charge looked slowly over Spock and McCoy, then turned around to look Kirk up and down steadily. He had smirked in a way Spock did not like at all and then nodded –

"I'll take that" he had said – "And I'll take your weapon." Kirk had taken out his communicator and handed over his phaser at the same time and the man had kept his gun trained on Kirk as he messaged the ship –

"Try anything and we take the everyone dies scenario."

Kirk nodded, very faintly and Spock could feel him actually becoming more relieved, just knowing that he was saving the two of them. At the same time he had felt his own heart plummet and could hear McCoy yelling –

"Jim no – don't do this!" But he could already feel Kirk's unbreakable resolve.

"Kirk to Enterprise. Two to beam up –" and his captor took the comm and ground it straight away beneath his heel.

Spock – Kirk thought, only half on purpose, as the beam started to take them – Spock I love you – both of you – tell McCoy –

They beamed up and once back in the transporter room Spock turned to Scotty quickly –

"Mr Scott, beam us straight back down"

The urgency in his voice must have been plain because Scotty had instantly indicated two nearby ensigns to join them and beamed them all back down to the same spot. When they got there everyone was already gone.

"DAMN IT!" McCoy had roared.

"They – must have beamed back to their ship seconds after we did" Spock had said stiffly. They had returned to The Enterprise and run to the Bridge where they had briefed the crew and given immediate chase on the slaver ship, Spock assuming acting Captaincy and McCoy hanging nervously behind him –

"Do you suppose he has anything else up his sleeve?"

"The Captain has no further plans" Spock replied, more than usually tonelessly, to hide his mounting panic.

"How can you be so sure?"

Spock looked up at him and put a hand on his arm, not about to say this out loud –

He told me. He told me as we were going –

\- I didn't hear him –

We do not need contact for this. We have not for some time. Nevertheless. He told me to say that he loves you.

Spock felt McCoy's heart sink as this registered – Kirk would no more have said this to him than he would to an actual brother, and he meant it in very much the same way –

Dear god, he really doesn't expect to get out of this alive.

\- Indeed.

And so the chase, the search, began.

_x_

So, I know the whole Kirk- gets- abducted- and-turned-into-a–sex-slave scenario has been done loads before, but this is going to be quite a bit different from the usual version of that story. It IS gonna get very graphic and horrible in later chapter, I'll say that now, though I do always get a happy end in I promise!

Also just a side note – Yes, Kirk told Bones he loves him but this is not McKirk –, It is Spirk. I very much believe that Kirk loves Bones, indeed that all three of them love each other dearly, just not like that, except for Spirk….if that makes sense! :-)


	2. Vile Engine of Sorcery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: the chapter contains sustained violence, rape, abuse and mental abuse, it is also longer than my usual chapters cause I wanted to get it all out in one rather than make you all deal with this for two chapters, so it may be difficult to get through. I am sorry and can only promise that after this it starts – gradually! - to get a little better!

2\. Vile Engine of Sorcery

As they settle into the chase Spock reaches out in his mind –

_Jim are you there? Are you hurt? Where are you?_

_Spock?_ Kirk's thoughts come back at once, grasping and relieved and Spock can see the colours of his mind – troubled yes, and worried, but not yet badly damaged or hurt –  _Spock, thank god –_ Spock can feel Kirk snuggle up to him in his mind, just like he does in his sleep, all soft and needy and comfortable in Spock's presence, like a little curled up animal.

_We are following the way we think you went Captain, do you know anything that could help us?_

_\- Spock I've got nothing. I'm in some sort of cell, I didn't see anything more than a corridor, I'm sorry._

For the next two days they continue in this manner. Somehow the smaller ship seems to always manage to stay hidden. If anything Spock feels as though his link to Kirk is being stretched over a greater distance and – though mere geographical distance is not enough to break it – this does indicate that they might be headed in the wrong direction altogether.

Spock stays in contact with Kirk almost constantly. He can feel his frustration and anxiety at being alone and seeing nothing but the inside of one room for hour after hour –

_-Also I'm hungry -_ Kirk lets slip on the second day –  _I mean there's water here but no damn food and I gotta tell you Spock I'm not so good at hungry –_

_I know._

Spock hides from Kirk how much this hurts his heart, knowing how uncomfortable it makes Kirk not to know where his next food is coming from.  _Knowing_  that he still stashes food supplies in strange corners of his room like a safety net. Indeed, usually the man produces apples from about his person like it's some kind of magic trick. He has never pried but he knows there is a reason for this and it hurts him to see Kirk have to deal with this now.

_I'm okay Spock_ Kirk thinks – to calm him, Spock knows it is not true and that he did let a little of that worry slip out –  _Don't worry about me, I'll be fine._ But oh how he does worry, fighting it back hard, not wanting Kirk to have to deal with his awkward Vulcan feelings on top of everything else.

_Spock, if you don't find me, if –_

_\- No Jim, do not –_

_I gotta, Spock – if anything happens to me you mustn't blame yourself. You or Bones. Just – it's okay to forget about me Spock –_

_\- Jim,_ Spock says, patiently but adamantly –  _forgive me for saying this but that is the most stupid thing you have ever said to me out of a lot of stupid things. Do not say anything like it again._

_Wow. Thanks, Spock._

_\- Jim –_ Spock send a warm, vivid image of their hands touching, fingers interlacing, kissing Kirk's mind with his own in lieu of re-iterating so many things they both know already.

After two days he gets a new transmission –

_Spock, we've landed, I'm being taken out of here. I'm gonna need to think – stay with me?_

He had not needed to ask. Spock could not have been persuaded to leave him for anything. Any time he was not on the Bridge he was with Kirk now and if it was not for McCoy he would not have paused even to eat or sleep.

He tries to see out of Kirk's eyes to get a pinpoint on their location, but realises quickly that he has been blindfolded. He curses inwardly. When they stop walking and the blindfold is removed being able to see is not any more comforting. They are in a compound that looks like a cross between a dilapidated prison and a zoo. There is a large concrete building off to the left where a man who looks like a butcher hoses blood out of the open door and into the gutters. The cages around them are full of people, all different species, genders and shapes of people with only their wide dead eyes in common.

_No!_ Spock thinks, feeling sick to recognise this place for what it is, before Kirk does –  _no no no Jim, get out of there! Fight it! Don't let them leave you here –_

_\- Great Spock, what am I supposed to do? My hands are tied and I don't know if you noticed the barbed wire –_

But Spock's panic is infectious and Kirk kicks out hard, kneeing his original captor in the groin while he argues with another man about his offered price. The other man whistles and six security men come straight over. Kirk takes three of them down with a series of kicks and head butts, but between them they succeed in holding him tight. His captor stands up, painfully, still wincing, pulling back an arm to punch him in the face when the other man – apparently his new owner – grabs him harshly –

"Don't you fucking dare" he growls – "You've cheated me enough without spoiling that pretty face –" he brushes the man aside and leers down at Kirk, taking his face in a pinching grip. Kirk glares back defiance flashing in his eyes and he spits in the man's face. The Man smirks horribly –

"Excellent –" he sneers, stroking Kirk's face with the back of his hand in a particularly repulsive way that makes Spock wish he could leap out from his place in Kirk's head and scream at him to keep his filthy hands off him – before beating him to a pulp. But he can't, he is just forced to watch.

"I'm going to  _enjoy_ breaking you" The Man hisses, breath hot on Kirk's face.

"You sure?" one of the men asks.

"Oh I can deal with this one –" he grins, horribly, clearly relishing the prospect – "There's not been a slave yet I couldn't break. Take him to training."

They drag Kirk in the direction of the concrete building, kicking and fighting all the way.  _Training._ It sounds so innocuous, but Spock has enough of an idea how these places function to feel his world spinning rapidly out of control.

On the Bridge of the Enterprise Spock sets him lip more firmly than ever and stands up –

"Mr Sulu you have the con. I shall be in my quarters" he says calmly, with no further explanation.

_Jim?_ He thinks, as soon as he is alone –  _are you still there?_

_\- Still here Spock but please – don't stay – I don't want you to see this –_

It is too late not to see; he has already got more glimpses than he needs to, to make the situation clear; Kirk, stripped naked, the whipping post in the centre of the room, the man with the evil studded bullwhip –

_Jim I can help._

_\- No offence Spock, but I'm struggling to see how right now –_

_Namtor kusut u'vel t'kashek Jim, kup – putash tor kashek –_ his mind working too fast to translate immediately.

_\- Not helpful Spock._

_It is one of our teachings – pain is in the mind, the mind can be controlled._

_\- Jesus Spock, now is not the time for a fucking crash course in Vulcan philosophy!_

_YES._ Spock insists –  _if you can't control your mind, I can – I can take this from you._

_Well – but – then that'll hurt you won't it?_

Spock falters; he has never lied to Kirk before, he is not good at lying and does not want to start now. But he considers all other wishes as nothing next to not wanting Kirk to suffer.

_No._ He thinks, shielding the truth carefully –  _It will not._

And so, while it is Kirk's body that takes the beating it is Spock who feels it. Neither does he regret it for a moment. Each lash stinging like fire – still the only part that is really hard is not letting Kirk know that he feels the pain of it. It continues until his torturer gets tired and another takes over. Unfortunately Kirk's apparent lack of any extreme reaction leads them to flog harder, not stopping until they have exhausted four men. Spock is immeasurably glad to be alone, where no-one will see him twist and contort in pain. It has barely ever been harder to close his mind of from anything, certainly never felt as wrong as it does to do it from Kirk. But he cannot let him know how much it hurts – it would be cruel. He  _knows_ Kirk and knows how hard he would fight him from doing this if he thought it would cause him pain, and it is unbearably hard to fight with a mind so tightly meshed with his own.

It is hours later and Kirk is streaming blood from neck to ankles, even though they have had their so – called doctors in several times to patch him up enough to continue. He feels nothing but a tingle, fear for what will come next and some satisfaction at the mystification his captors are expressing. The Man in charge is watching him, intrigued, another of them shakes his head in disbelief –

"Seriously –" he exhales – "What is this bastard made of? Are you sure he's just human?"

The man watches him contemplatively, like a tiger eyeing its prey.

"Progress to Stage Two" is all he says.

Kirk barely has time to wonder what Stage Two might entail when he is roughly untied, dragged from the post, thrown to his knees and told to get used to it.

_Fuck –_ he thinks, though it's something of an understatement –  _Spock don't – please, you don't have to –_

_\- Jim –_ Spock thinks tensely - it is not easy, mentally, to take someone's pain, any more than it is physically –  _Please, I need to concentrate – I am not sure I can take all this as it is –_

It is all too soon that Kirk realises what he means; it is Spock taking the pain when the first of the men rapes him, savagely, but it is  _his_ body and Spock cannot save him the contact, humiliation and disgust and when the second man shoves his cock into Kirk's mouth it is Kirk that chokes, eyes leaking.

It continues for hours; until his – indeed  _their –_ attackers cannot go on any longer.

"He'll break –" The Man says – and he was the most vicious of them all – "They all break in the end. We start again in the morning."

They leave Kirk on the floor, the room frighteningly large, dark, cold, stinking of sweat, blood and suffering, with no windows or any way out. Kirk moves instinctively to the side by the wall.

_Spock?_ Spock aches to hear him sound so small and scared –  _Spock, you still there?_

_\- Always Jim -_ he thinks, mentally holding him close so strongly that Kirk can all but physical feel himself cradled in Spock's arms, Spock sending incorporeal kisses into his face and hair, Kirk clinging to him, all but burrowing in. Spock fighting the urge, unhelpful at this stage, to let his fury towards the people who have hurt his human completely take over.

_What do I do Spock?_

_\- Sleep, Ashayam –_ he thinks gently, like a soothing caress –  _While you do I'll be searching for you. But Jim, I'm sorry – when you wake up you may be in pain – I can't do this forever – not and look for you too – when they come back – I'll be there – even if we haven't got there yet, I promise –_

_Spock?_

_\- Jim?_

_I don't think I could sleep here._

_\- I can help you with that too._

_I never knew you had such wicked mind control._

_\- I do not use it if I can help it._

_Huh. Spock? –_ There is an edge to Kirk's thought that worries Spock –  _You do know you can't think and shield something from me at the same time right?_

_…._

He feels Kirk sigh, tired and angry with him –

_You lied to me. You said it wouldn't hurt you._

Spock does not have the faculties remaining to be able to deal with this and so, hating himself for his cowardice, he thinks as firmly as he possibly can –

_Jim, sleep, please –_

Kirk sleeps.

Spock does not.

_x_

Spock checks in on Kirk at regular intervals to make sure he is still asleep and, for want of a better word – safe. In the meantime he conducts a full, if unsuccessful, shift on the Bridge. It is as good as a rest though to have nothing worse to trouble him than the doctor's disbelief when he says he is alright. At the end of his shift he returns to his quarters, letting the crew assume that this will constitute rest – though he knows McCoy is not entirely convinced – and he returns to Kirk.

This time Kirk refuses to let him take the hurt and both feel almost selfish for wanting to be the one to take it rather than watch the other suffer. After fighting about it – ( _For god's sake!_ Kirk explodes at one point –  _I can't believe we're arguing over who wants to get the most raped! –_ almost making himself laugh) – they end up sharing the hurt.

They continue in this way for hours that eventually bleed into days. It says a lot about the toll this is taking on Spock that he loses track of exactly how many days. Then eventually, one day, they have reached a point where pain and horror are becoming positively boring and Kirk thinks –

_Spock I gotta tell you this is the worst sex we've ever had._

_\- I am mystified that you can joke at this time._

_Hi, Jim Kirk, have we met? I can joke at_  any  _time. How do_ you  _cope?_

_\- Logic and reason?_

_I'm alright for that, thanks. Shit, I'd rather be playing a really long logical game of chess –_

_\- I thought you enjoyed our chess games?_

_Okay then, I'd rather be playing a long logical game and be losing –_

_\- What's so bad about losing?_

_Hi, Jim Kirk, have we –_

_\- Jim I love you but you can be tedious._

_Okay Spock, I'll confess a thing – if I'm losing it means I haven't had a chance to cheat._

_\- You cheat at our chess games?_

_Yes Spock, 'cause that's what's appalling in this whole situation –_

He cannot help it; he starts to laugh out loud. The Man in charge and his current abuser throws him away from him in irritation, kicking him into the floor, Spock swooping in fast to take some of the kicks –

"What's funny here scum?" The Man snarls.

"You are –" Kirk shoots back, still grinning – "For thinking you can break me."

_Oh Jim –_ Spock sighs, torn between admiration for his tenacity and guts and cautioning against plain foolishness. He can see The Man in charge teetering on the edge of real fury –

"It is time to proceed to Stage Three" he says, chillingly. Even some of his men look apprehensive.

"It's been a while since we needed Stage Three" one of them mumbles – "Does it even still work?"

"It'll work" The Man says grimly – "We  _need_ to get this one on the market."

Kirk cringes a little at that –  _Me and my big mouth,_ he sighs. They haul him out the room and down a corridor, into a second room. Someone turns on a light and there is a low electrical hum. This room is much smaller than the first and contains nothing but a strange twisted chair in the centre, to which Kirk is dragged. The chair is silver and shining like oil, a crooked, pipe – like contraption with greasy black tubes running, tangled through it. Silver – black claws clamp Kirk's wrists to the arms and his ankles to the chair legs and he frowns and fights, not knowing what to expect –

_Is this thing electric or something?_

_\- They do not want to kill you –_

_Not wholly comforting Spock._

_\- Jim -_

_Spock –_ He grabs on to Spock's name like it is driftwood in a stormy sea. Spock reaches to steady him –

_Jim –_

And suddenly, horrifically – nothing.

_Jim?_

_…_

_…_

_…_

It is like suddenly running up against a solid black wall through which he can sense and feel nothing. He screams – aloud in his quarters too – mentally pounding his fists against that wall and screaming Kirk's name over and over. The threads of his mind run and crash against the nothing, finding only blackness where they had once run and twisted into the swirl and colour of his bond mate's mind.

It is like being ripped in two, only the half of him on this side of the wall is still something like alive. Albeit a cruel parody of life, twitching and bleeding for the severance with his other half. The agony is blinding. He screams inside and it feels like he will never stop screaming.

After an age he has no choice. When he does stop screaming it is to feel hollowed out, cold, black, blank, nothing. Complete absence of emotion. Barren. Cold. It is not what he thought it would be. Not something he can now imagine he could ever once have wanted. Half crazily he thinks –  _I will never attempt Kolinahr._

And then Spock starts to laugh, brokenly, and his laughter echoes, cold in the darkness.

_x_

**If you're still with me – Thank You! This didn't turn out as graphic as I meant it to – mostly because I wanted to focus more on the mental link between Kirk and Spock than on the physical situation. Also I know it seems unrealistic that Kirk would start to get simply bored of the abuse but people react to things in different ways and boredom is not unheard of in the face of sustained horribleness, strange but true. Same as with Spock starting to laugh – I originally meant just to have him cry but suddenly that happened and ….yeah, that was scarier!**

**On an unconnected note – yes this story is starting to have greater connections to CS Lewis's "The Silver Chair" than originally intended. I will be running with this a little.**

**In the next chapter we flash back to before this all began – mostly some lovely Spock/ Kirk smut but with a sucker punch in the end!**


	3. The sweet smell and the thrumming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This section if pretty much pwp though I promise it does tie in and get relevant to the plot if only in the last few lines! Graphic sex here, but consensual this time!

3.

It was the day before Narcissus Eight, the end of a long day. These long boring days always frayed Kirk's patience, making him quite obviously stressed and cranky and so, when Spock arrived in his quarters ten minutes after their shift ended he had been all too ready to snap.

"Don't you  _ever_ knock?" he grumbles, not even looking up from the bed he has thrown himself onto petulantly.

"Forgive me Captain, I had not known it was suddenly required" frowned Spock, in a less than perfectly calm mood himself, turning round smoothly, exiting and then buzzing for entry.

"Piss off!" Kirk yells, almost happily. Spock knows the door code and comes in anyway.

"Well Jesus – fuck Spock –" Kirk drawls, irritably, sat on the edge of the bed now and glaring sideways at Spock from under his unruly hair – "Why in the hell make the point of going out in a strop if you're just going to come back in whether I want you to or not?"

Spock frowns, being intentionally obtuse –

"I could hardly be described as "In a strop" Captain – that is highly illogical."

"Yeah, yeah Spock, you're so fucking logical –"

"Captain I came to express an irritation and I intend to do so in spite of your evidently irritable and frankly infantile mood."

"Of course you do Spock; I'm starting to experience a level of irritation myself. Do  _please_ continue."

The level of tension in the room has become palpable, Kirk knowing that there is nothing that gets under Spock's skin more than his own particular brand of excessive sarcasm. Spock in turn knows that nothing makes Kirk as delightfully enraged as his belligerent insistence that he acts solely on logic when they both know that this is far from the truth where his feelings for Kirk are concerned.

"Captain, you must know that your behaviour throughout that meeting was both unprofessional and distracting to an unacceptable degree –"

"Please –" Kirk sneers, because he has no phrase in his vocabulary more designed to tip Spock over – " _Enlighten me."_

It works. It has always worked. It was, after all, one of the things he had ever said to Spock and as such has almost become code for  _fuck me and hurt me now._

Spock curls his lip, crosses the room in frighteningly quick strides and hauls Kirk to his feet, bearing him furiously back into the wall. Kirk grins, even though – or perhaps  _because_ – Spock's grip on his shoulders is hurting him –

"Wondered how long it'd take you" he smirks, not a little smugly. Spock slaps him in the face –

"Would it be too much –" he hisses – "just to ask me to hurt you when it is so clearly what you want.  _Must_ you always anger me also?"

"Aww but Spo-ck –" Kirk mock whines – "It's no fun if you're not angry."

"Indeed." Spock spits, squeezing a hand tight around his throat, his body hard and unyielding, pinning him in place – "Will it be  _fun_ when I beat you and fuck you 'til you scream?" He feels Kirk's cock twitch and all but rolls he eyes. Kirk's –

"Yeah, pretty much" is unnecessary when Spock knows that Kirk gets hard just hearing him say "fuck", hence he no longer has any trouble using the word. He chokes back a growl; it sticks in his throat, serving only to choke him up further with lust. He slaps Kirk again, relishing his breathy gasp and the way his lips part, eyes darkening. He is too beautiful.

"I will not fuck you merely for your  _amusement –"_ he snarls – "If that is all I am to you then trust me I will walk out of here now."

Kirk raises an eyebrow, smirking and angling his hips intentionally maddeningly to let Spock know he can feel his erection pressing hard against his body. Spock closes his eyes against the pounding in his head, hating what Kirk can do to him but making no move towards being anywhere else. He can read the truth in Kirk's eyes ( _Spock I love you, you know that, I'm just winding you up and you know that too but you still fall for it every single time and damn I'm glad you do –)_ and he  _does_ know and still falls so hard each time. Out loud all Kirk says is –

"No you won't." He grins and decides to press it this time – "You want me. You've wanted me like mad ever since the meeting. I get to you don't I Spock? I make you illogical, out of control – yeah, you pretend otherwise but really all you can think about is throwing me around and fucking me –"

"Kroikah!" Spock snaps – "Ikap' uh t'du ru'lut - filthy human –"

Kirk chuckles obnoxiously, wondering what it says that these were probably the first words of Vulcan he ever learned, loving how easily he can get Spock to crack and aroused beyond measure by his animalistic fury and the way his body trembles even as he holds him fast. Kirk snorts –

"Pfft. I don't shut up so easily.  _Make me_ Spock, you know you want to –"

Spock crushes him into the wall with his body, yanking his head back by the hair, wanting him unspeakably but determined not to give in so easily – all the more so because of this provocation.

"Bath – paik, you disgust me –" he sneers, though the rub of his body against Kirk's tells a different story – "I wonder that I even sully my hands with you – vile low life human – do you even know how far beneath me you are?"

This is not a mode of attack he often adopts, knowing that to be reminded of where he comes from can make Kirk very genuinely angry – but after all the human did wind him up first and two can play at that game.

"Yeah – usually –" Kirk grunts, Spock's grip hurting him not a little – "Just beneath you – you all wanting and hot for me, sullying your hands good and proper –" It is worth it to see \Spock snarl at him the way he does –

"Pathetic no – account  _farm boy"_

"Stuck up arrogant ponce"

"You should be honoured I deign to come near you."

"Oh shove it up your Vulcan arse you half breed son of a bitch –"

Spock drags him from the wall and throws his across the entire length of the room. As soon as he can breathe from the impact Kirk laughs at him mockingly –

"What – you can give it but you can't take it –"

"You will take that back –" Spock seethes, hauling him back to his feet.

"The hell I will you weird illogical freak –"

"You repulsive specimen of a human –"

"Fucked up psycho excuse for a Vulcan."

"I'm surprised I don't catch something just from touching you."

"Yeah well, embrace that Vulcan logic and put me down then Pointy."

Spock stares at him for a beat, breathing hard and fast, his eyes locking in combat with Kirk's, fire and ice and he falls upon him kissing him in an ecstasy of desperation. Kirk kisses back, relieved; he always likes to wait until Spock cracks and it is worth it to be so engulfed in this crashing wave of lust. He grasps at Spock, Spock clutching at him, needy and fierce, bruising him with his lips and his fingers digging into his skin.

"Fuck –" he growls – "Jim –" he rips his nails through the back of Kirk's shirt, pulling it to pieces – "Damn you – you like it don't you? doing this to me –" Kirk does not need to reply, Spock could have read the  _Of course I do_ in his eyes even without telepathy. He nods –

"Strip" he orders, disconcertingly gently, taking a step back to watch him. Kirk pauses just long enough to annoy – "You will do it Jim, or I will" he says, so softly that Kirk shakes off his shirt and starts unfastening his belt with fingers that tremble madly – "And I suspect  _you_ will leave at least some of your clothing intact." He finishes. Kirk groans and Spock starts to take off his own clothes, taking his own sweet time now and ordering Kirk on to the bed with only a sharp indication of his eyes.

Kirk lies down, positively smugly – at least until Spock mounts him, leaning in to kiss him again, pinning his wrists with one hand and stroking him with the other. Kirk hisses with the sweet delight of Spock's skin sliding against his own, arching up against him, skin singing, lips parted almost obscenely in a moan. Spock presses into him hard, marvelling at the softness of his skin and the firmness of his body.

_Illogical –_ he thinks –  _he is right and I am – there is no logic in sensation so sublime – but perhaps to be sublime is therefore logical._ He almost smiles. Kirk sees. He always sees everything.

"Amuse yourself Spock?" he teases – "Care to share?"

"You were –" he scowls – "It pains me to say it but you were right – I want you. You transcend logic James Kirk; I can only assume then to want you is logical."

"It's taken you this long to work that out?"

"You are arrogant, irritating and egocentric –"

"Gee thanks –"

"And I want it all. Every bit of you. It cannot be right to suffer for you so – I have wanted you today to the loss of all reason and all you did was take my hand –"

"Yes. In the meeting. You noticed that did you?"

"Of course I did –" he hisses – "Jim you stroked my palm, my wrist and persistently caressed fingers under the table – did you really think that would not affect me?"

"Did you never stop to think it was maybe by accident – at least at first?"

Spock looks at him scornfully.

"Truly Jim you are not  _that_ stupid – nor ignorant of my digital sensitivity –"

Kirk chuckles –

"No I guess I'm not at that. Trust you to put it so – aah!" he cries out as Spock's searching hand finds and strokes his cock – "-logically!" he finishes in a groan.

"Furthermore –" Spock continues, squeezing Kirk's erection now, hard and tortuously – "I could see your every thought - Jim , pay attention and look at me –" he can see Kirk's eyes roll and close in pleasure beneath the touch he does not cease, indeed increasing his attentions and oiling his cock up at the same time. Kirk opens his eyes in time to see Spock preparing to enter him and still forces himself to meet his eyes.

"And –" Spock continues, mercilessly forcing Kirk's attention to his face, even while he slides his fingers into him – "I knew exactly what you wanted me to do to you, even in front of the ambassador –"

"Fuck – Spock – Please –" Kirk wails, Spock's fingers shattering any coherent thought he could have had. Spock kisses up his chest, into his neck, at the same time hissing "Shhh" into his skin.

"I was not unaffected –" he murmurs – "And I will make you sorry for this –" he pulls his fingers out roughly, positioning his cock in place – "Are you sorry yet?" he whispers. Kirk tries to glare, but it is hard through the golden melt of lust –

"The hell I am" he growls and Spock snarls back, driving his cock into him in a deep savage thrust, sliding all the way in until Kirk screams, whimpers and digs his fingers into Spock's arms. Once more all ability for speech is lost as Spock thrusts into Kirk again and again, giving himself up to it completely, sliding a hand up his chest and around his throat, shuddering with joy to see Kirk's eyes darken in ecstasy as he struggles to breathe. Spock fucks him and throttles him at the same time, knowing Kirk like sit this way and also because it causes him near unspeakable pleasure.

He feels Kirk's cock press against him urgently and strokes it at first with painfully gentle fingers, then squeezing tightly in response to the human's moans.

"Sorry yet?" he growls into Kirk's ear.

"Hell – no."

Spock removes his hand from the human's straining cock, feeling him so close to release that this is almost agony –

"How about now?"

"Fuck – please Spock – please –"

"I did not request a  _please_ Jim."

"Fuck –" Kirk's brain struggles to remember what he was meant to say – all dignity gone in the need for release – " _Sorry_ Spock – I'm sorry - won't –"

Spock slaps him, feeling his cock twitch hard in response and stroking it again –

"Yes you will" he pulls Kirk towards him kissing him, fucking him, caressing his cock hard until he can hear the human screaming in his head that he's going to come –

_Not without permission you're not._

_\- Fuck you!_

_Must I remove my hand again?_

Kirk almost sobs with need.

_Beg me Jim._

"Please –" Kirk chokes, little more than a whisper.

"Please  _what?"_ Spock thrusts into him hard, close to the edge himself.

"Please let me come" Kirk begs, actively weeping now, mostly with the shame he does not need to admit to loving. Spock strokes his tears away tenderly –

_Good, dear one, yes, for me –_

_\- Thank you_ Kirk cannot help but think back, hating himself a little for the unrequested submission but coming almost instantly al the same, screaming in uncontrolled release and relief. Spock cries out in ecstasy, triggered by Kirk's cries and they come together, screams against the skin, bodies shuddering as one.

They fall, they part, they never part, breathing echoing in the shared brain. They return, kissing, touching, loving deeply and sweetly now the initial feverish lust and desperation has been relieved, exploring one another's bodies with hands that know these paths but always delight so much in treading them. Tasting, touching, whispering words they have said so often before and will say again and again until the words echo across the stars and back again, meaningless and meaning everything.

Before long they trade places, Kirk sinking into Spock and loosing himself in the luxury of his lover and over half, twisting themselves back together. They fuck. They make love. They repeat the process until exhausted. They lie, limp and satisfied in the position that feels like home, Spock on his back, one arm behind his head, the other round a recumbent Kirk who clings to him bonelessly, smiling blissfully into his shoulder.

"Spock?"

Spock raises an eyebrow, preparing himself for the ever bewildering mixture of emotion and nonsensicality that occupies this space. He is not disappointed.

"You're playing with my ear."

Spock stills his hand instantly, pretending that he never had been doing any such thing. Kirk chuckles softly –

"Illogical fuck" he whispers tenderly, full of affection.

"Only you Jim" Spock sighs and Kirk knows that it means both  _only you could make me so_ and –  _only you could get away with that._

"Spock?" Kirk says again, looking up at him almost like a child, eyes so big and blue, filled with happiness and trust.

"Jim?" Spock looks at him and melts a little more, holding him closer.

"I'm safe here aren't I – with you?"

Spock frowns –

"Always"

Kirk smiles –

"Never felt safe before –" he admits sleepily – "Like it."

"Jim –" Spock kisses his forehead – "I will never let anything hurt you, not ever."

Kirk nods –

"I know" he beam, falling so soon after into sleep.

The next day the slavers come.

_x_

**Am I horrible or am I horrible? Yeah, I'm horrible. Next section picks up where the last chapter left off with Spock reflecting on this chapter. Major angst ensues. Yes my chronology has gone a little wibbly wobbly, it was intentional – hope it still makes sense!**


	4. Setting out in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Spock has major angst and takes it out on McCoy

4.

_Failed you Jim, I failed you so badly._

Perhaps it is, in a way, the relief of being close enough to finding him – but finally Spock is able to acknowledge this thought. Though the thought is no relief it has been there with him all this time, sat lurking in his brain like a toad he had been resiliently ignoring. Now, as he remembers, it pounces, all but crushing him beneath the weight of guilt and self hatred enough to knock the air out of him like some huge hideous animal –

_I will never let anything hurt you – I said – never – I said – yes, so easy to say at the time and look what happened. I should have fought to the death to stop you from being taken instead of us. Should not have so arrogantly presumed that we could get you back. My fault. All of this is my fault. Everything that has happened to you. whatever is happening now – I may as well have done it all myself. Betrayed you. Lied. What have I done? You were the one bright beautiful thing in my world. You were the star I followed, my compass point. You were the spark in the darkness, the flame that made something of my heart. Gone. Put out. So far from me now. You were -_

When had he started thinking in the past tense? He had not thought there was anything still left in him that could break. It does. His tears surprise him, slipping from his eyes like rain in the desert -

_You always wrung emotion from me so painfully. And now that will never happen again. And now I want it - I want it -_

He is scrunched into a ball against the wall, shaking in a violent self contained space. _Liar. Monster. Animal. Beast. . Monster_. He folds up tight, hoping to bury himself deeper in this pit of self loathing -

_\- You did this, you did it with your lies, He was beautiful, perfect, your one good thing and you couldn't take it could you? You've destroyed it, destroyed it all. No, you'll never feel again, never feel what you felt when he looked at you with all the stars in his eyes and you felt you could be worth something - that you had to be - to be looked at like that. No that won't happen again and damn you you don't deserve it to, monster -_

There is a knock at his door.

He ignores it.

The knock comes again.

_(I will never let anything hurt you, liar, liar oh filthy liar)_

"Go away!"

"The hell I will!" comes the voice from the other side of the door. Spock hears someone punching numbers in for entry with dismay - only one person on the ship, except the Captain, has the emergency over - ride code for all rooms on the Enterprise, and that is the ship's chief medical officer.  
Spock stands up quickly, so that he is at least on his feet when the doctor barges in, but there is nothing he can do to hide the fact that he has been crying. Nothing - except get angry - it seems now that this is the only emotion left to him.

"You do not have permission to be here at this time doctor. Please leave immediately" he manages, icily, lip twitching, fists clenched. It is as much of a chance as he is capable of giving.

"The hell you say. I have medical clearance to -"

"Get out."

"- enter any room on this ship in the case of medical emergency -"

"Leave me. This is not a medical emergency. "

"The hell it's not. The Vulcan cries in his quarters and he says it's not an emergency! Damn it Spock, it's my duty as Chief Medical Officer to ensure the well being of every idiot on this ship - now that goes double if they're the god damn Captain!"

"GET OUT!" Spock roars. Anyone's presence at this time would have been intolerable, let alone that of someone who actually cares about him. He can feel the concern in spite of McCoy's tone and it cuts into the open mess of his heart too much. There is only one other person who would so stubborn refuse to leave him alone. It is far too much.

"You don't scare me Spock -"

Spock growls, his eyes narrowing to slits and he grabs the doctor by the shoulders even though he burns to touch -

_His concern, his distress his pain, love, caring - for me, for Jim, so loud, so close his mind - so bright - no no no get it away from me get it AWAY -_

_-_ he half pushes half walks McCoy violently out of the door, all but throws him into the corridor and returns to his room, breathing fast, closing himself back in has not had half a chance to steady his breathing before the door re opens and the doctor stomps resolutely back in. He starts talking before Spock has a chance to object -

"Yeah I know - you can just throw me out again - I'll come straight back in, trust me. Hell you could put me in my own med bay but then I'll declare you unfit for duty and we'll wind up there together and then you'll have to talk to me. So what do you say we skip it and just talk now?"

Something in McCoy's voice deflates Spock utterly. He knows what it is and sinks into his desk chair in dizzying, swirling despair -

"You sound just like him."

Risking a sideways glance he sees McCoy's eyes soften, his shoulders slump.

"Spock -" he says; gentle, infuriated, sad - but mostly gentle - coming over and putting a hand on Spock's shoulder. Spock flinches. McCoy removes his hand and sits down opposite him - "How long have you known?"

Spock frowns, too tired to keep up any more lies, even to protect his friend.

"Known?" he echoes, dully - and it translates - accurately - to the doctor as  _How much do you really want to know?_

"Much as you may like to think so Spock, I'm not stupid. You knew what kind of trouble Jim was in before we heard where he was, didn't you?"

"Yes" Spock sighs. For a moment McCoy just looks at him, thinking that this is all the answer he is getting, then - "I did not know his location but I knew - I have known for over nineteen days."  
"Good god man! And you never thought to tell me - to tell anyone?"

"May I ask what good you think it could have done?"

"Yes! It would have saved you having to go through it alone! I could have helped you, you idiot!"

"I do not deserve your help" Spock winces - it was not what he had wanted to say true though he felt it.

"Now just wait a minute! You still know more than you're telling me! You told me you only lost contact eleven days ago, now to my reckoning that's eight days where everythinghe went through you went through, am I right?"

"That is an enormous assumption and a giant leap of logic -"

"That may be but it's true isn't it?"

"I - shared a great deal yes."

"God damn it Spock - and you don't think that deserves help?"

"Doctor I do not - I cannot - require assistance for something that is entirely my own fault. "

"Your own fault? Well this gets better! I'm just waiting for the logic of this one!"

"Doctor -" Spock sighs deeply - "It should have been me. I was the one who got captured, not - not Jim."

"Well god damn your logic for faulty already you green blooded -" McCoy pulls himself back, almost shaking with anger - "If that's your basis then you really should have shared because it should have been me at least as much as it should have been you - so remember next time you open your big dumb mouth that any shit you heap on yourself you're heaping on me too."

Spock closes his eyes for pain. his logic really has failed him and they both know it. The doctor has him backed into a corner and he knows that too. He drags his brain for a way to pull this back and make it his fault again without insulting McCoy. He finds it.

"I toldhimIwouldneverletanythinghurthim" he mumbles very quickly, looking downwards, sideways, any way but at McCoy. The doctor actually hears every word of the mumble and yet - even though he knows it is cruel he also knows that right now he has to be -

"I'm sorry I didn't quite get that" he lies. Spock glares up at him fiercely -

"I told him -" he growls steadily - "I would not let anything hurt him. Ever." he spits it out in a voice thick with self disgust - "That was the night before Narcissus eight. How would you fe- what would you have done doctor?"

"If he was mine I'd have said the same damn thing. But you didn't let anything happen Spock, any more than I did and I sure as hell wouldn't be giving up on him, not when I'm less than two hours away and have a ship to command and a plan to come up with -"

Spock blinks at him steadily, trying to take this in -

"Two hours?"

"Not even that. So snap the hell out of it, get over it and stop blaming yourself. Embrace that Vulcan logic and come up with a plan or I will and trust me -"

Spock stands up, so does McCoy -

_(Embrace that Vulcan logic and put me down then Pointy)_

Spock can hear the echoes of Kirk and realises it must mean something that the two people most likely to tell him to forget logic have both recently told him to embrace it. He takes a deep breath -

"Your plan will be better" admits McCoy.

"Finally -" Spock says, shaking himself back together with effort, as best he can - "A point upon which we can agree.  
_x_

**Next chapter the plot begins again in earnest...sorry for the angst fest! Also thanks to my sister for giving me some really depressing metaphors when i needed them!**


	5. This Black Pit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all gets a bit horrible in this chapter again I'm afraid. All the major warnings from before apply, torture, rape and all the badness.

**5.**

A plan of rescue is surprisingly easily formulated. A quick scan of the planet reveals the sector and compound that Spock recognises as the one Kirk was being held in the last time he could see. After a brief private meeting with the main Bridge crew and McCoy Spock finally lets these few in on the details he has been with holding so far – or at least on the most relevant details. He suspects that if they  _do_ get the Captain safely back on board that he would rather as few people knew as few details as possible. Even the diluted version they get causes extreme reactions amongst the crew – reactions Spock does not like to focus on. Scotty, furious and ready to kill everyone responsible for the outrage, Sulu much more quietly furious, Uhura visibly restraining herself from tears and Chekov failing in his attempts.

Spock tries to block out the wave of feelings from these people – the people who care the most. He is still struggling too much with his own and with all he has felt from McCoy. Even to be moved by how much they care hurts a little too much. Nevertheless, the plan is easily arranged with them all on board, and simple enough. Spock will go down alone, despite well meant offers of assistance from every one of them, disguised as a Romulan trader interested in going in to the slavery business. This will have the advantage of placing him in a position where he may be able to buy back the Captain and beam them both back to the ship – but the disadvantage that he will have to be not only calm and professional but positively approving towards the people he, more than anyone, would like to kill very painfully.

Once Spock has got suitably dressed in this guise there are only a few minutes to wait until he can beam down to a distance not far from the compound gates. In that time McCoy gives him helpful human tips on deception and subterfuge, until they fall into an awkward silence. A silence Spock eventually breaks, a little apprehensively, to ask –

"Doctor, I am unclear as to why you felt speaking to me earlier to be a medical emergency."

McCoy snorts –

" _You_ express emotion and try to tell me that that's  _not_ a medical emergency? Gimme a break."

"But how were you aware –"

"Well there are two options aren't there? Either I'm more perceptive than you give me credit for or you're more obvious than you'd like to think you are. Which would you prefer?"

Spock rather suspects that the answer is a combination of both factors, but will not be drawn into saying so. Instead, after a pause, he replies –

"It occurs to me doctor that you do not like to admit to certain of your emotions any more than I do. If you were not so highly irrational you could in time be an excellent Vulcan."

"Well Spock –" Bones pretends to sulk – "As you would say I don't see why I should sit here and be insulted!" – though it occurs to him that this is the highest compliment Spock has or could ever pay him and is fitting payback for his own earlier admission that Spock's plan would be better than his. If he had not been so tense with concern for Jim he might have smiled. He turns to Spock, who is getting up to go, serious again –

"Spock –" he says, placing a hand momentarily on his arm – "Take care". Spock nods, if not in agreement that he will do then at least in acknowledgement of the doctor's concern for both himself and Kirk, and it is for this that he says thank you before beaming down to Priapus Twelve.

_x_

He materialises not far from the compound gates and takes a deep breath, trying to prepare himself for all possible outcomes – from finding that Kirk is not there at all to finding him in a condition that will hurt him too much to continue safely in this subterfuge. He wishes he only had some sense of where and how Kirk is – that sense that he has come, if accidentally – to rely upon so much. But he has nothing.

He presents his assumed identity at the gate along with the papers that the crew have forged for him. After a brief exchange and a small amount of well prepared for bribery he is admitted into the compound. The security guard tells him to wait while he fetches the boss and while he does so he takes his first look around the place out of his own eyes. It is the same ugly place he remembers from when Kirk first arrived. The concrete nightmare over to the left and the dusty yard to the left filled with caged humans and other species. He forces himself not to twitch with disgust and it takes all of his abilities to do so. Thankfully he is in control and impassive as ever when a man approaches that he recognises as the one who took it upon himself to break his Captain. Spock fights down a frighteningly violent urge – an image so strong it feels like it is really happening – of flying upon this man and tearing him to pieces for what he has done. Outwardly he expresses this urge with nothing more than a blink of his eyes and then he is shaking the man's hand and exchanging pleasantries through gritted teeth all the while thinking –  _you hurt him, you beat him, you raped him and in so doing could you know you have done all that to me?_ But he forces himself to smile at the man's obsequious fawning even as he thinks  _I will kill you. I will pay you back hurt for hurt for all the pain you caused him. You will beg for the mercy that you have never shown. By the time I'm through with you you will beg me to kill you –_ and he smiles with genuine cruelty, necessary to the part he is playing, as the man treats him like the dignitary he is pretending to be.

"My man here says you'd like the tour? See how things are done around here?" he grins a grin full of broken teeth.

"That is correct"

"I gotta tell you it's not all pretty. We take slaves of great character – it can take a lot to break some of them" he chuckles.

"I can assure you I am deeply interested in the process –" Spock only hopes it doesn't sound too much like he is reciting – "I can assure you I have no sensibilities you could offend."

The man grins again –

"Good! Well if you'd like to walk with me –" he starts towards the main building, talking as he goes, Spock follows, churning inwardly at the screams he can hear from inside.

"We're putting a new girl through the paces right now- you came at a good time. There are three levels of training see –the spirit has to be broken before the slave can be auctioned- we rent out nightly you see – so stage one is the physical – beat the slave until the fight goes out of them, nobody likes a difficult slave – although –" he grins horribly – "We'll come back to that later. Stage two – well here we are –"

Spock tries to steel himself for this but still has to force down the nausea and internal trembling at the sight of the girl on the floor being raped by four men. He feels dizzy and sick from not being able to help and from the memory of this happening to Kirk.

The man continues talking like he is a tour guide around a biscuit factory –

"This stage can continue for anything from a couple of days to a week, depending on the individual. By the end of it they'll know that this is their purpose from now on and mostly they accept it like so many sheep – hey, if you like you can join in." He adds this like he's bestowing a minor favour – offering a biscuit even. Spock fights a very physical feeling that he might be actually sick –

"I – thank you –" he manages – "I am – not that way inclined." He is relieved when a lie can incorporate some truth – it is the only way he feel she can do it with any degree of the believe able. Luckily the man grins and doesn't force the issue –

"Me neither" he shrugs – "Don't worry, we've got some beauties if you want to join us at auction tonight." Spock's look of interest this time is wholly genuine.

"Indeed. What time do you begin?"

"We start at five. Like I said it's rental only, there's a company in sector ten does for-sale – but this is why we have to work so hard on up- keep. Rental lasts from six pm and we have them back here by midday. That gives us five hours for the rest and clean – up period."

Spock frowns, hoping it doesn't look like the wince he feels it is -

"Clean up?" he echoes, warily.

"Yeah – slaves can come back pretty messed up and of course we gotta fix that for the next customer. We have a team of medics to fix what's broken and hide the injuries –" he shrugs – "So it doesn't really help but they still look pretty."

Spock falls back into his own mind, repeating Vulcan proverbs to himself so as to stop himself from reacting to this and all of it as he would like to.

"I would like to hear more about stage three." He manages, hoping this way he will finally find out what has happened to Kirk.

"Ahh yes –" the man smiles like a proud parent – "We're rather proud of this, follow me." He leads the way out of the room and down the corridor Spock remembers, still talking –

"Of course, stage three isn't usually necessary. Most of them break long before that – for many of them a couple of days on stage two will do it. This is really just for the most stubborn –" he throws open the door at the end of the corridor, ushering Spock into the room with the chair.

"Fascinating" he says, more by reflex than anything else.

"We got this from a scientist on Harfang Five – a bastardization of electro – shock technology- makes the subject forget all they are or ever have been. Perfect for us 'cause the only thing that keep a person fighting after stage two is knowing who they are and remembering the people they left behind. Zap of this, whack 'em straight back on stage two for a bit and they're ours. Works like magic."

Spock's head reels at the new information. It all makes sense now. He wishes it didn't. Cut off, cut off completely; from himself, from his people, even from his bond mate. Not only this but removed from any memory, any knowledge of what makes him who he is. It would break anyone. The head reels and the soul screams. It occurs to him fully for the first time that getting Kirk back will require a lot more than just getting him back on board ship.

He swallows hard, forcing his voice to remain neutral –

"Ingenious" he manages- "And is it possible to reverse these effects?" The man laughs –

"Why would we ever need to? It's a rare slave that has any fight left in them after this – of course we have a rare one in our collection – recent acquisition. Little bastard gave us no end of trouble –"

"Show me" Spock say quietly, heart leaping dizzyingly –

"I can show you the whole collection - " the man beams, clearly loving his job far too much- "I'll save the best for last."

On the way out the room Spock contrives to briefly touch the man – odious though this is – on the shoulder – long enough to get an image of the slave in question and confirm his suspicions. His heart sinks to see Jim caged, hurt and subdued but at the same time beats with dull hope to know – _he is here. He is still here, even if only in body. I will have him back yet._

The tour of the cages drags at Spock's soul and at the same time he feels he must be a little bit evil for feeling so impatient. These poor creatures – beautiful all of them, yes, but all curled in corners or sat staring at nothing – they cry out to his every urge to help, to set free, to give them back themselves. Yet there is a limit to how much he can care when they are not  _his_ and the one that is is the thought that consumes him utterly.

Then suddenly they turn a corner and there he is. Even though Spock has been trying to prepare himself for this he still jerks visibly at the sight. Luckily the man translates his reaction as something else –

"Beautiful isn't he?" he gloats. It takes every fibre of his control for Spock not to rip his throat out –  _I know –_ he growls inside-  _I knew this first and I did not have to break him to find it out- oh Jim, Jim forgive me –_ the man is still talking – still talking as though Jim is  _his,_ damn him –  _damn him, he is mine, or his own, he is no-one elses, least of all yours_  – Spock tries to close himself off from the man's words, focussing only on what is left of his Captain. He is beautiful still, though his skin shows everywhere the poorly hidden tracings of beatings and abuse. But even this does not tear at his heart as much as seeing him so small, so helpless, curled up in the corner of his cage like a frightened animal – trying to just sleep and make it all go away.

"I confess this one is a personal favourite" the man is saying; Spock concerned beyond measure with wondering how much more his tattered heart can take – "I enjoy a challenge. Over a week and we still didn't even crack him. It was only after the chair we made any progress at all. Even now he still actually reacts at times – we go to so much work to prevent that – but then it turns out the customers love it! It's ridiculous how much we make out of him every night."

At this point one of the guards enters the cage and proceeds to pull Kirk to his knees. Spock looks on in horror, fists clenching painfully with the frustration of not being able to do anything at all.

"For this in between time they're ours to play with –" the man smirks, by way of explanation – "This one's quite a favourite – doesn't get a lot of rest" he chuckles, Spock feels like his heart is freezing him to death, turning into ice, ice that cracks and threatens to shatter and the man continues to rape his human –  _his fucking T'hy'la –_ before his very eyes. Spock feels his eyes start to close in pain but forces them open because if Kirk has to suffer then so, he thinks, should he. His heart beats a frightening drum beat in his head –  _Mine-Kill, Mine- Kill, Mine – Kill –_ torn between his love and his hate. He will take back and he  _will_ destroy.

Kirk's eyes are open and sightless. He reacts to nothing except to squirm slightly with dislike. This makes Spock's despicable guide smile –

"What I said – reaction. You won't get that out of any of the others. To tell you the truth it's making us reconsider the whole breaking – in process. Docile is all very well but it seems the customers can't get enough of this one-"

Spock barely hears him, he is watching Kirk's eyes too closely. Closely enough to see a low sullen fire burning there still, though he does not even register Spock's presence. Then at the end he glares right up at them, looks dead at the man beside Spock and spits at him through the bars of his cage, savagely and accurately. The dull ember of hope in Spock flames gently at this –  _Yes –_ he thinks, with some sense of triumph – _yes, my love, you're still in there, thank everything that is you're still there and herein lie so many of the reasons I have always loved you. I will have you back yet T'hy'la – I swear I will get you back._

_x_

**Writing this chapter was a bit like pulling teeth – I hope this doesn't show and that's it's not just crappy. I couldn't help thinking how so much of this sort of shit has really happened throughout our history and it was making me feel a bit like Spock was feeling in this chapter. I hope that writing this doesn't demean any of the stuff that's happened to real people, I certainly did not intend it that way. I just wanted to make things really bad so I could make them so much better in the next few chapters. Next chapter IT WILL START TO GET BETTER I PROMISE! It also won't be nearly as long to wait 'cause I've already started writing it!**

**I don't know why I write stuff where I just sadden myself I really don't….**


	6. The Patch of Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I PROMISE things at least start to get better for Kirk by the end of this, however carrying on from where we left off there is graphic rape and violence from the outset.

**6.**

On seeing Kirk's defiance the man raping him takes the crop from his belt and strikes him round the shoulders with it repeatedly, excited by the violence into fucking him even more brutally. Kirk bites his lip but stubbornly refuses to give them the satisfaction of crying out. The man growls, burying himself inside him viciously before coming in him hard. He withdraws and presses his semi – hard cock up to Kirk's mouth with a grunted instruction to him to suck it. Kirk glares at him but makes no move to acquiesce until the man hits him again and again until he is forced to cry out and his attacker takes the opportunity to shove his cock into his mouth. The slave owner smirks and turns to Spock with a confidentiality he finds utterly repellent –

"I think his mouth was made for this –" he leers – "It's a crying shame if he's out of use for a moment if you ask me."

Spock feels like his jaw might shatter through the clenching of his teeth, his resolve to make them all pay for this steeling within him. It is punishingly hard to watch as the man rapes Kirk's mouth, forcing tears from him until he comes in his face, laughing at his degradation –

"Clean yourself up, filthy slave" he snarls chucking him a rag. Kirk turns from them all, curling back into his corner as the man leaves. Everything in Spock aches to be able to help him, even to just touch him and take away a little of his pain. He hates himself beyond measure for the role he is forced to still play.

He concludes his business with these people quickly, not wanting to speak or even look at them, if there was a chance it would help he would more happily have killed them in an instance. But there are a lot of guards here and more imperative than anything is the need to save Kirk. So instead he makes a few further questions regarding the auctioning process and prices – ("Though bring double if it's  _that_ one you're after" the man recommends) – and he promises to return at five. This leaves just an hour to spare, during which time he beams back to the Enterprise to collect both thoughts and finances. He is just starting to contemplate the difficulties attending the latter of these concerns when McCoy accosts him coming out of the transporter room. He informs him of the situation and asks him to tell the relevant rest of crew what is occurring.

"And where are you going?"

"I shall be in my quarters"

"For what?"

"I feel myself in urgent need of meditation."

"Meditation? Are you for real? At a time like this! Why on Earth?"

"Because if I do not –" he replies very calmly, voice remaining soft and quiet all the while – "I will not be able to restrain myself from killing every last one of those sons of bitches."

The shock of hearing Spock swear is enough to convince McCoy that he is both deeply emotionally compromised and in deadly earnest. He grabs at Spock's arm in consternation –

"Spock – you can't just –" he begins. Spock snaps his head round to face him, whiplash fast –

"Can I not?" he cannot help it. Had his nerves, indeed his heart, mind _everything_ not been so ragged he could have stopped himself – but right now he cannot; he projects a brief but violent image of Kirk as he last saw him, every hurt raw and visible. McCoy turns pale, disengages himself quickly from Spock and nods –

"I take it back" he says, shakily – "Just let me know how I can help." Spock nods and carries on to his quarters.

He is not surprised to find that meditation does not come. He feels, at this moment, like the Vulcan half of him is very far away and he is now in the grip of too many violent emotions at once. He closes his eyes, but all he can see is Kirk. He opens them again and instead of any kind of clarity just sees all the elements of his room jumbled around him – he has many pleasant things here, some inordinately valuable, though he has never thought of it in these terms before – family heirlooms and works of Vulcan art. He feels a small sudden sense of relief – not from any sense of success in regaining self - control – but from realising that he has just found an answer to at least the financial element of concern.

_x_

"I am uncertain how long this will take" he tells Scotty – but be prepared to beam us both back up on my word.

"Aye aye sir".

Spock closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and beams down to the new co-ordinates he acquired earlier that afternoon. He finds himself in a large hall with a bidding platform at one end. The room churns with an excitable rabble of the disgustingly rich and immoral. The very set up makes Spock positively twitch; there is little that would be more offensive and disgusting to him than this traffic in human life, side by side with the veneer of gentility he sees in these opulently dressed aristocrats. Just knowing that some of these people have designs on his own human makes him sick to the core. He makes his way to a desk where he is able to barter a room "for the night" in a building adjoining the hall and after this finds himself – albeit unwillingly – listening snippets of conversation around him –

"- and he said he hadn't seen a better behaved slave anywhere else in the galaxy!"

"Guess I must have broken her a little – these things do happen –"

"- shared him with everyone at the party –"

"Some of these slaves are truly remarkable –"

"-actually cried when we beat him don't you know –"

"You should get your money back"

"Oh no it went down a treat – then again so does he" laughter. Spock "accidentally" brushes against the speaker, nauseated and enraged to realise he is talking about Kirk, then all the more so, shaken deeply by the brief image he gets of what they did to him.

"Oh yes I'm aiming for him again tonight" the man is saying, in the smug tone of someone rich, powerful and corrupt enough to always get what he wants.

_Very well_ Spock thinks, icily –  _so can I be, and you will not be laughing later when I strangle you with your own large intestine._

At that point the slave owner walks out onto the platform and bangs his gavel for silence. Spock is appalled though not wholly surprised to have to sit through every other auction before they get to Kirk _– save the best for last_ he recalls bitterly. At least now the slaves have clothing – if minimal – clearly the chance to undress them comes as part of the package. Finally after what seems like an age Kirk is brought out, hands tied, head lowered, black leather pants and collar. The man introduces him with pride, forcing his head back so the room can see his face. Kirk quite visibly sneers at the whole assembly, blue eyes bright with defiance.

It seems as though half the room has been waiting for this. Spock does not even bother to join in the bid until there are only a few left. Then there is only himself and the obnoxious gentleman next to him. Finally, impatient with the whole damn show Spock multiples his offer by ten, raising it to a near ridiculous level and his opponent steps down gracefully, clearly overawed by the gesture, giving Spock a knowing raise of the eyebrows that makes Spock want to hurt him immensely before those intestines come out.

_x_

He collects Kirk from the trader, leading him by his chain to the building next door. As soon as they are within the room he unties him and leads him gently to a chair, not wanting to startle him by beaming them up too suddenly. All the while Kirk refuses to make eye contact and does not speak.

"I am going to beam us – aboard a star ship –" Spock tells him awkwardly. Kirk does look at him then – blankly, with no comprehension. He opens his mouth to say something but closes it again and looks down quickly, frightened. Spock feels his eyes prick but refuses to cry –

"You may speak" he says gently, hating that he has to say this. Kirk frowns, and he looks so lost and so young – like he looks when he is tired and about to fall asleep that Spock just wants to hold him and make it better. But it is not that simple, and he just touches Kirk's shoulder gently and is instantly overwhelmed by the rush and jumble of frightened feelings and damaged thought –

_Is this a trick? So tired. Mustn't speak to them. Will I be punished? Hungry. What does this one want of me? Hope it's not as bad as the last one- at least there is just the one this time – I think – star ship? What is star ship? So hungry –_

Spock feels himself start to shake a little, it is more difficult than it has ever been not to cry.

"Please –" he says, voice a little hoarse – "If you are hungry please eat something". There is a fruit bowl on the table; he nudges it Kirk's way, trying very hard not to patronise or control him but aware that he is unsure how to react to anything else. Kirk makes no move and Spock can hear his thoughts panicking –

_Definitely trick. Don't get to eat without favours first. What to do. Shit he knew, knew I wanted – can hear me think – oh god I'm in so much trouble, so much trouble –_

He flinches a little from Spock's touch and Spock takes his hand away quickly-

"Touch telepathy –"he explains, mortified, not having meant to invade – "I am sorry –" Kirk looks at him, clearly not understanding for a moment why someone would be apologising to him – "I am not going to hurt you" Spock says very gently – "I would never-" Kirk's eyes are deeply wary, clouded with doubt – "Here –" Spock hands him an apple – "Please –" he adds, awkwardly, struggling to work out how to phrase everything – "It is my wish that you would eat".

Kirk sniffs the apple like a nervous animal, but knows he cannot disobey a direct order and takes a nervous bite. His eyes widen like this is the best thing in his life and he eats the rest quickly and not at all elegantly as though afraid this sudden good fortune will not last. It breaks Spock's heart just a little more when he picks out the pips and eats through the core. He tries to work out how to explain things in a way someone who has never done it before will understand. It is almost impossible.

"I am going to contact my ship. Shortly after we will then appear  _on_ the ship – it will not hurt but may be a little confusing" he tries clumsily. Kirk just blinks at him a little adoringly- Spock realises that this must be e first time in his new memory that he has experienced any kind of kindness and he is confused and scared by it and very much expecting things to go bad at any moment. Spock gets on the communicator –

"Mr Scott we have two to beam up, please have Doctor McCoy on hand and clear the transporter room of all other personnel".

He does not want anyone else to have to see Kirk like this, nor does he want Kirk frightened by the sudden appearance of so many concerned people, all knowing more about him than he does. He turns to Kirk and extends a hand –

"To me please." He says. Kirk looks at him apprehensively, but still with a look like he would follow him anywhere. He rises and takes Spock's hand. Spock draws him instinctively closer and his heart flares when Kirk, just as instinctively rests his head on his shoulder and does not flinch when Spock gently – so gently – kisses his forehead and hears him thinking with great surprise –

_Not scared. I'm not scared of him. Should be. But I'm not. Maybe –_

Then they beam up and he blinks in the brighter light of the transporter room, suddenly alert, tense and wary again. Neither Scotty nor McCoy startle him by moving but the latter's face floods with relief –

"Jim!" he breathes out – "Thank god!"

Kirk frowns, the deepest little frown Spock has yet seen and he opens his mouth for the first time to speak, his voice when it comes rough and struggling from so little use –

"Jim?" he whispers – "What's a Jim?"

_x_

**Yay! Kirk's out of there! ….but he's not yet back….by the end of next chapter he may have worked out what a Jim is – but how will Spock remind him? Tune in next chapter to find out!**


	7. By all Fears and Loves

**7.**

Kirk looks between Spock, Scotty and Bones, eyes wide and confused. Spock immediately contacts the Bridge – "Mr Sulu, take us out please, warp factor five" he turns to Scotty – "Mr Scott I need to take a look at that collar, it is highly possible it contains some kind of tracking device." Scotty does so, not letting on how unnerved he is by Kirk's complete lack of reaction as he prods at the collar –

"It's wired to explode if removed –" he tells them – "And aye, there is a tracking system implemented."

"But can you remove it?" Spock asks, tensely. Scotty looks for a moment –

"Aye sir, quite easily – the technology is very crude – I'll have that off in a jiffy."

"Doctor –" Spock says to him aside, as Scotty gets to work – "I suspect that the planet's medical technology is similarly crude. As soon as Mr Scott is finished I want you to take him to med bay."

"You don't have to tell me –"

"It's off sir" announces Scotty.

"Thank you Mr Scott, now if you could get that thing off this ship."

"With pleasure sir."

Spock turns to Kirk gently –

"If you could go with Doctor McCoy –" Kirk looks at him nervously, quite clearly as if to say  _don't leave me –_

_-I will not_ Spock tells him silently, touching him on the shoulder – so strange to have to return to this – like before they were bonded – _I will never leave you again._

_Again? – I don't understand –_ Kirk looks at him then, frowning hard, struggling under a strange new idea –

"Do I – know you?" he says, quietly, timorously even. Spock nods simply, restraining the urge to say too much too soon.

"Please –" he says – "Go with the doctor, then later we will talk."

Kirk lowers his head obediently and follows McCoy to med bay. Spock follows, never wanting to be too far from him. He waits patiently by Kirk's side, calming him in his mind the when the doctor asks him professionally to undress and lie down and his eyes fill with fear and suspicion that this is so he can be put back to use again.

_Don't be afraid. Nobody here wants to hurt you. If I can only help it no-one else will ever hurt you again._

Nobody speaks for a while except for McCoy to vent a few of his feeling towards the traders under his breath.

"He's been badly hurt" he says finally – "There are several bones broken and badly fixed – butchers the lot of them – I've re- set what I can and treated the other injuries – there's nothing that won't heal in time – it's just the mind I can't reach – I don't know – I've got to give this one to you Spock and I sure as hell hope you've got some ideas."

Spock nods;

"I do, thank you doctor. We will be in the Captain's quarters. I may call if I need you."

He leads Kirk to his room and locks the door behind them. Kirk looks around nervously, apprehensive and showing no signs of recognition.

"Please –" Spock says – "Dress and take a seat" he hates having to talk to his Captain like a child, hates what his beautiful mind has been reduced to.

"Dress?" he echoes.

"Yes" Spock opens a drawer for him to show him where things are. Kirk starts to take clothes, then makes a noise that is as close to a laugh as someone can make that does not know how to laugh. Spock looks at him, concerned-

"What is it?"

Kirk looks ashamed and slightly afraid –

"Apples –" he gestures, mumbling, smiling faintly. There are indeed apples and biscuits stashed among his pants. Spock almost smiles – the habit has always made him feel a confusing combination of amused and sad –

"Yes –" he says – "Please do."

Kirk turns to him with shining eyes –

"Really?"

"Of course. Please also dress and sit with me."

Under the incentive of food Kirk multi – tasks with breath taking speed, taking a seat beside Spock at the table dressed and all but juggling apples.

First things first, Spock thinks –

"You are not going back to the traders –" he tells him. Kirk's eyes widen –

"But –"he protests, confused and unable to believe it – "They own me – I mean you – but I have to be returned or you'll get in trouble – I don't want –that is –" he lowers his head, sadly – "I am not worth it master."

Spock cringes inwardly at the complete destruction of any sense of self worth- a sense he knows it has taken Kirk a lot of time and effort to build up.

"You are not a slave anymore" he tells him gently but firmly – "They do not own you now. Nobody owns you. Your place is here – if you want it to be – as it was before they took you. They will not catch up with us, they do not have our technology –and you must not call me master. My name-" how strange to have to say it – "Is Spock."

Kirk is silent for a moment, trying to take this in –

"Spock-" he says slowly, tasting the strange word, his eyes asking if this is really okay – "I don't remember – I don't know – that is –" he sighs with the frustration of not being used any more to speaking, the difficulty of making sentences – "I don't even know my name –" he sounds wretched and defeated, blaming himself for this and feeling so inadequate.

"Your name is Jim" Spock says, hoping that enough information will make it all come back – "This ship is the USS Enterprise of which you are the Captain –" No reaction, then an idea dawning on him –

"Captain? Me? Is this – like – a game? I mean – some kind of role play scenario? I am sorry – I – do not understand."

"No!" Spock says sharply – "No I – I am trying to help you remember who you are – you  _are_ our Captain, one of Starfleet's finest. You are brave and loyal and perhaps the most fearless man I know."

"That – doesn't sound like me" Kirk says sadly, biting into another apple.

"You are also the most stubborn" Spock sighs.

" _That_ I can believe" Kirk nods – "And you? Who are you?"

Spock closes his eyes for a moment –

"I have been and always shall be your friend." He says and Kirk's eyes flicker hearing some kind of resonance in the words as Spock takes his hand across the table. He stares at Spock a little startled but not entirely surprised by this sudden realisation –

"You – love me" he says simply, amazed that such a thing could be possible.

"Yes" Spock says in a choked voice.

"I think –" Kirk says slowly – "that I feel the same? I think – I knew you when I saw you – and I do not even know myself." He puts his apple core down in a frustrated manner.

"I know you" Spock says.

"Yeah?" Kirk's eyebrows knit – "Who am I?"

Spock struggles to answer this in a way he has not already said, but everything that comes to mind seems small and irrelevant. He tries anyway –

"You are my Jim. You are more infuriating than anyone I have ever known. You cheated on a test just so you could prove that you could pass something that could not be passed. You don't believe in a no – win scenario. Sometimes you swivel in your Captain's chair in the manner of a small child. Your favourite colour is yellow because you said it made you think of hope and sunshine. I told you one that was illogical and you said I had no soul. I kissed you and spent the whole night proving that I did. You love apples and always have one about your person. You stash food in strange places because you were starved as a child and a part of you still fears it will happen again. You would give your life for your crew and have saved us all more times than even I could count. You are scared of the dark and also of spiders – once one fell on your arm and you screamed so hard you were embarrassed for days and took every opportunity to re- assert your masculinity. You love ice cream and whiskey, sometimes at the same time. You try to take up the whole bed when you sleep and the arrangement of your limbs is most illogical –" he pauses, not used to talking this much all at once. Kirk has started to blink very rapidly as though his eyes itch and Spock pushes on desperately –

"You worry that you'll die alone, that nobody will ever truly care about you. When we were bonded you saw into my head and realised that I did and it made you cry. You have a smile that nobody sees but me and when you smile that smile I know what all poetry means. It is sunlight and wind on my face and I know when you look at me like that that I will never be alone either, that I matter to you like you do to me – that I will never stop loving you whatever happens – Jim –"

Spock stops, to see that Jim is crying uncontrollably, shaking with it, tears running tracks down his face.

"Spock –" he whispers, standing unsteadily, and Spock is beside him in an instant – "Spock I remember –" he gasps, overwhelmed by it – the rush of memory, of self- returning. He grabs onto Spock for balance, wrapping his arms around him and burying his head in his chest, tears seeping through Spock's shirt and Spock holds him unreservedly close, all but crushing him to him as the threads of his mind reach out and re – mesh like the vines of a plant desperate for water. He feels Kirk shake and gasp with relief to feel the bond fixing back into place and he kisses him softly on the forehead to seal and mark their minds coming home.

_x_

**This was actually the first chapter of this that came into my head and I got the rest of the story for this point – of course it's grown in the telling and there are still a few more chapters to go in which more healing occurs in many ways.**


	8. People newly Awakened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know I said things were going to get better but first here's some horrible events replayed and expanded upon from Kirk's POV, rape, torture, head- fuckery and violence, you know the drill – also very brief reference to child abuse.

**8.**

Spock lets Kirk cry against him until he cannot cry any more. He clings to Spock, curling his hands around his neck as Spock lifts him into his arms tenderly and lies him down on the bed, lying down beside him so that curl into him. Eventually he breathes deeply and looks up at Spock, rubbing at his eyes with his sleeve –

"Forget why you're crying after a while" he mumbles – "Sorry".

"Jim –" Spock says, an arm around his shoulders, gazing at him softly – "Do not apologise any more. Please. There was nothing here that was your fault." The self- hate in his voice that he cannot disguise makes Kirk look at him sharply –

"Wait- you don't think –" Spock breaks eye contact so quickly that it is an answer in itself – "That's ridiculous Spock, how in the hell could you blame yourself –"

"Jim – please –"  _please do not concern yourself with my feelings. You have been through enough and I –_

"Bull –  _shit_ Spock – yeah I can hear you again remember? Do you know what it was like  _not_ to be able to reach you? To feel like my head had been cut in half and I was this big broken mess?" He looks at Spock challengingly and Spock looks back in silence – "Oh" Kirk says, finally – "Yeah, I guess you do. But don't you think that now I  _want_  to worry about you? I want to be part of you again – I – when I felt the link break it was worse than when I died – because this time I had to hang around and feel how broken I was – not to mention –" he breaks off – "I don't wanna make it worse. Can I tell you – everything?"

Spock nods, part relieved that they are no longer talking about his deeply unimportant feelings but bracing himself for the anger and pain whatever else there is to hear might cause him –

"It would be best if you did" he says neutrally. Kirk nods, clearly relieved-

"I felt like I would survive all they threw at me the whole time you were there in my head. Not just because you took the pain – damn you by the way – but because I was half of you and also me – like it should be. Then the chair and suddenly I wasn't any more – either of those things. I came round and my brain was both like- like a void and screaming at the same time – do you have any idea –"

Spock's glance wavers because he does and he cannot help but think of it –  _I know it all too well, I felt that way when you died, I thought the screaming would never stop-_

_\- Sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm a clumsy –_

_Please, Jim, do not – please – go on-_

"It was the worst" he continues – "But I didn't get a chance just to hurt from that cause as soon as they untied me they started right back fucking me again – and this time it fucking hurt. I had no point of reference so after a day or two of this shit I assumed that this was what my life was all about and pretty much stopped fighting – I mean, it just seemed to make it worse. I still wanted to – I mean the instinct was there – and I guess I never was the good little slave cause they never seemed to stop punishing me. I felt like I had to be some kind of freak because it never stopped being in me to rebel where everyone else just accepted."

"You were still you" Spock says, unable to contain his pride and admiration – "In spite of all they tried . You were always yourself, even when you did not know it."

"Maybe – I guess –"

"Not maybe Jim. Really. I saw you. In that place- just before I took you away – I could see  _you_ in your eyes. You were never anyone else. You even spat in that man's face –"

"Shit you saw that?" Kirk thinks back, grimacing – "Shit- you saw –I'm so –"

"Jim if you dare to say sorry for that –" Spock's voice trembles – "I wanted to drag you away from them right then. I would have taken on the whole place – killed every one of them for you but I could not risk dying in the attempt and damaging your chance of rescue."

Kirk gives a rough half laugh –

" _That's_ the only reason you couldn't risk dying?" he shakes his head- "That guy – he was one of the worst – I think he saw me as like a pet project – I mean – they rented me out every night but in between he was always there, doing all he could to try and break me. Well –" he sneers – " _That's_ been tried before- when I was a kid. And it didn't work then either."

"Jim, I do not think it is possible to break you."

"I'm with you. But you'd be amazed how much everyone who hired me wanted to make it their god damn mission. Some of those bastards – I tell you Spock – they look like people, but they're not, sick, twisted fucks the lot of them –" he starts to tremble at the memories. Spock holds him tightly through the shaking, knowing that he needs to ride it out.

"I thought there was a limit to the bad shit people could do to each other y'know?" he says when he can find words again – "After everything I was still stupid enough to think that. But there's not. I – Spock you don't want to hear this and I don't think I can –" his lip trembles, words drying up, Spock holding him while he shakes mentally and physically in his arms – "All of this – in here – I want to let it go but I don't know –"

_Shhh, love, shhhh_ \- Spock strokes his forehead and kisses him to try and soothe all the pained babble in the brain –  _to me Jim, give it all to me –_

_\- No, Spock – no - that's not –_

_Jim –_ the gentle thought breaks through the wall that Kirk so hastily erects in his mind, breaks it down tenderly, with love and firm insistence and the memories come tumbling out like infection seeping from a wound –

_\- How his first buyer had forced him to his knees and shoved his cock in his mouth without ceremony – this is what you're for slave and you better get used to it- laughing when he made him choke and his eyes water and he ordered him to strip and he wouldn't, still too stubborn to give in easily so he beat him brutally and remorselessly, belting him across the back and shoulders like the slave he was until the buckle cut into his skin and he was begging and crying to be allowed to strip and service his master – who fucked him all through the night, giving him to his servants to play with when he could not –_

_\- how the second was more subtle and imaginatively cruel in his desires, interested in the infliction of pain without causing great obvious damage. How he twisted his fingers back to breaking point and eventually beyond until he would agree to anything to make it stop, testing this on every joint and repeating the process with his arms until he hated himself for giving in but gave in all the same, threatening him with knives that never cut the skin but he ended up wishing that they would because the pain would have been better than the fear of pain- aiming for the feet, the eyes, genitals – everything you would least like to lose –_

_\- how the aristocrat told him he was so pretty, such a pretty little slut, a good fuck toy and receptacle for his lust and nothing more – how he said he didn't care if he had to kill him – he still would if he disobeyed. How he spent the whole time he was fucking him whispering how worthless he was, how he deserved it, that he was good for nothing else, that he wanted to see him used over and over again by twenty men or more –_

_-how the next time he hired him he made good on that wish, using him for entertainment at a party of twenty to thirty guests- he lost count after a while of how many had had him. How they took it in turns at first, yelling encouragement as they battered and abused him, mocking when he started to cry and beating him for this insubordination, making a competition out of who could make him scream the loudest, saying that they'd give him something to cry about and stop taking turns until he is servicing groups of them all at once, over and over until he wished he could just curl up and die until they tire of the game –_

_\- how the doctors who "fix" him in between no sooner close cuts and tighten him up before they rip him open again themselves and have to repeat the whole fixing process afterwards –_

_Image after image pouring into Spock's head, Kirk feeling mentally incontinent, unable to hold back the flood until he hears Spock in his head crying out in pain. He jerks back as far as he can whilst still lying beside him –_

"Fuck – Spock – I didn't want – I didn't mean to hurt you – to give you any of that – it is mine to bear –"

"It does not have to be. Jim, you did not give – I took. I would take it all from you if I could –"

"I just wish –" Kirk sighs, moving back in to Spock, the sigh turning into a yawn – "I'm so sleepy – and I just wish I could forget –" he says this all like a child that has had a tiring day. Spock is looking at him steadily –

"Do you – Jim? Really?"

"What?"

"Wish to forget? I could do that for you – I could remove it from your head – like a mind meld –"

Kirk looks at him in wonder –

"You can do shit like that? With – like- your brain?"

"- but I would not if it were not important or you did not wish it."

"Mr Spock –" Kirk smiles "Just when I think I know you so completely – you unfold on me like a flower."

"Jim –" Spock sighs, seriously – "Do you wish it?"

Kirk is silent for a long moment, then finally –

"No" he says.

"I do not understand" Spock frowns – "You said you wished you could forget. You could."

"But – when I said that, I didn't know it was possible. It's different."

"Why? Why keep something like that?"

"Because it happened" Kirk says simply – "It happened to me- and I'm still me. If it never happened I wouldn't have any of the good either –the very great good of having you back. Of having me back – of  _all_ that I have. It can be better than ever – I had my mind messed up once – if it happened again – even for good – Spock, there'd be nothing left of me."

Spock nods –

"Your reasoning is valid Captain"

Kirk smiles and yawns-

"Of course it is, it's mine – it'll be good to be Captain again – but right now I need to sleep and sleep- Spock –" he looks at Spock, eyes wide and so strangely, so very innocent – "Tuck me in?"

Spock helps him into bed, wondering if a Vulcan could be exiled from the whole race for his heart turning genuine somersaults. Kirk smiles at him, that beautiful smile, and his heart aches-

_All I thought I had lost is here –_ he thinks, and Kirk, too tired to speak now, thinks back –

_Spock, I love you._

He falls asleep almost instantly and Spock watches over him for a long time, until his most pressing feelings of softness finally subside, his resolve hardens and he leaves the room quietly, so as not to wake him.

_x_

**So that went more traumatic than originally planned! In the next chapter the bad guys finally get their comeuppance and revenge is a dish best served….pointy! Enjoy!**

**Also points to anyone who can see where Kirk quoted Neil Gaiman and Buffy in one sentence….that wasn't really s'posed to happen either!**


	9. Twisted Fragments

**Here be violence. Big graphic icky violence. J**

**9.**

Spock stops off briefly in his own quarters to pick up his KaBar and makes his way to the Bridge.

"Mr Sulu, please set us a course back to Priapus Twelve."

Sulu looks up at him oddly but does not question the order.

"Mr Spock – the Captain?" asks Uhura.

"Back with us Lieutenant –" Spock assures her and the immediate relief throughout the whole room is palpable – "But he is resting in his quarters. Until further notice I am still acting Captain. We return to Priapus Twelve."

_x_

When Kirk wakes up some hours later he looks around for Spock and frowns to find him gone. When he reaches for him in his mind he feels that Spock is blocking his whereabouts from him and all he can read is a reassurance that all is well, left like an answer phone message in the brain. Kirk is instantly suspicious and heads quickly to the Bridge, but finding none of the usual Bridge crew there and getting no coherent answer from the Gamma Shift he heads to med bay.

"Bones!" he exclaims, relieved at finding the doctor there. McCoy starts, a little guiltily –

"Jim!" he exclaims – "My god it's good to see you!"

"That's great Bones but where's everybody else? Where's Spock?"

"Jim –"

"Where the hell are  _we_  for that matter – I thought we were moving but we seem to be back in planetary orbit –"

"Damn it Jim, I got orders not to tell you."

"From who?"

"Jim –"

"Was it Spock? What the hell is going on?"

"Jim – we're orbiting – Priapus Twelve."

Kirk's eyes fill with alarm and he bites his lip nervously –

"Bones please –" he says, so quietly that it alarms the doctor more than any of his ranting could have done – "For the love of god tell me why we are  _here_ of all places."

"Spock told me –"

" _Fuck_ Spock! Just tell me!"

Bones sighs, not wanting to.

He tells him.

_x_

This time Spock has no disguise, nor does he request admission, but neatly slits the throat of the guard on duty and lets himself back into the compound. He whips around at the sound of a noise behind him, dagger drawn. It is Sulu, katana in hand, flanked by Chekov, Uhura and Scotty, all armed. Spock frowns –

"Gentlemen, please explain."

"We're here to provide back- up sir" says Uhura, in a tone that brooks no argument.

"Lieutenant I neither requested back- up, nor desire it. This mission is neither endorsed nor entirely legal, I have no wish to endanger any of you and I do not think you are fully aware –"

"With all due respect Mr Spock –" begins Scotty, Sulu cuts in –

"We were well aware of your intention when the order was given to return sir. With Captain Kirk back on board ship you are no longer in a position to order us out of this –" Sulu knows that this is not entirely true but is relying on Spock not arguing the point. Spock sighs, but does not argue, instead turning to the only one of them who has not yet put a word in –

"And you – Pavel?" he asks, making it clear that this is a matter between acquaintances and not Starfleet Officers – "You are in accord with this?"

"One hundred per cent –" Chekov fights and beats the urge to add  _sir._

"Very well, you and Nyota set about releasing these prisoners and taking care of them, Hikaru, Montgomery – with me – however the leader and his contraption are mine – understood?"

It is. They make their way to the concrete facility , Uhura and Chekov breaking off to set about opening the cages. Inside they find a large group of men engaged as always in the training of a new acquisition. Scotty rescues the boy whilst Sulu takes on the first three men at once. Meanwhile Spock catches sight of the man he last saw raping his Captain and snarls, feral and prowling, backing him into the wall at knife point, wanting him to suffer longer than the rest for what he was forced to watch him do. The man backs up fast, terrified as much by the look in Spock's eyes as by the knife in his hand and by the fact that a small unassuming looking man with a katana is neatly disembowelling his co- workers left right and centre. When he can back up no further Spock neatly drives his knife into his groin , pinning him to the wall like a bug. As he screams and screams, blood seeping through his pants Spock leans in, touching the side of his face with the same repellent tenderness he has himself shown to countless victims. Through those misleadingly gentle fingers he can feel himself being electrocuted by brief flashes of the agony, disgust and humiliation he made another feel not so long ago and with it the image of the beautiful golden slave with the eyes like slivers of shattered glass.

"He was never yours –" his murderer whispers in his ear – "None of them were ever yours." He twists the knife and pulls it out raggedly severing his cock from his body, brushing the knife once, gently, across his neck so he can see his death on the edge of the blade – and neatly slits his throat. This alone stops his screaming and the last image he has , as he bleeds to death on the filthy floor is of the madman who has killed him watching dispassionately as he dies.

Spock looks up from the dead man to find himself in turn being watched. It is the man in charge, storming in, furious, to find out the source of the commotion, full of rage and – if Spock reads it correctly- indignation, and then recognition –

"You-" he hisses, small eyes narrowing. Spock answers this with a grin, a slowly spreading slightly unhinged grin full of teeth that makes his prey's blood run cold and his assurance falter . He runs on all the same but with a tremble in his voice that he cannot suppress – "The fuck are you on? You steal my best slave – then you come in here – start slaughtering my men – I mean what the fuck man What –"

Spock snarls, silencing his words with a knife in the shoulder driving him across the room like a storm, pinning him to the further wall as he screams and starts to cry –

"I cannot steal what is already mine –" Spock whispers, confidingly in his ear – "And I cannot kill what is already dead –" he adds with a snarl. The man stares at him, fearful blubbering and bewildered – " _Shut. Up"_ Spock spits, struggling and failing to contain his disgust – "You were all already dead. You died the instant you touched him."

Understanding dawning in the narrow eyes and the man actually laughs, a scoffing last shot at a laugh –

"Awww fuck –" he groans – "You're the boyfriend."

This angers Spock more than ever, that last word so dismissive, so  _wrong,_ signifying nothing –

"Filth." He spits – "We are something  _you_ will never understand. You will not speak to me again unless it is to plead for your life – is this understood?"

"Fuck- you –" the man spits.

Spock yanks the knife from his shoulder and punches a second hole in him just below the first. He whimpers –

"Please –" he groans – "Please don't kill me –" Spock nods -

"That is better. Now I could keep punching holes in you all day and this not become dull but I have something for you – I do not want it any more –" He puts his hands on either side of the man's face. The coward's eyes scrunch up not wanting to look into that mask of hate and merciless rage.

"To coin your own phrase –" Spock sneers – " _You will look at me when you take it."_ And he must, and he cannot then look away as the flood of pain Spock slams into his mind throws him over with its force. All of the blinding agony, the shame, self- loathing, despair , fear – everything Spock had taken from Jim as he cried and shook it out in his arms the night before now forced back upon their rightful owner. His knees crumple and he sinks to the floor in a messy broken heap. Spock sneers down at him, unsurprised at seeing him so easily broken by what he so readily gave out to others.

"Get up" he orders. The man does not. Spock kicks him – "Get up." Eventually he has to haul him to his feet, pushing him ahead down a corridor they both know well by now – "If it is any consolation –" Spock tells him – "You are suffering more now because you are unused to pain. Believe me that will soon cease to be the case. Now get in the chair."

Back in that room he throws him into the chair and ties him down, pressing his fingers to his head and watching him cringe as he does.

"This –" he says, casually ramming everything he has just given him into his head a second time over – "This alone you get to keep." By the time he has crossed the room to the power switch the man is gibbering, crying, laughing and babbling. Spock picks up the words " – fucking psycho Romulan bastard" and tilts his head to the side, bird like and musing –

"Vulcan" he murmurs as he flicks the switch, confusion the last thing registering on the man's face before his old existence is completely snuffed out.

Afterwards Spock has no trouble in ushering the new slave out towards one of the few remaining unbroken cages. There he finds Uhura and Chekov wit perhaps two dozen released and hastily dressed slaves. Spock pushes the man into the cage and turns to them –

"Does one of you have the keys?"

"I do –" says Uhura slowly, producing them – "But –" she frowns and her mouth moves trying and failing to articulate a reluctant idea that this may be going too far. Spock watches her steadily and for a long moment nobody moves until a girl breaks off from the group slowly, a small dark creature, body broken and badly fixed, shuffling and uncertain. She takes the key from Uhura, who offers no resistance, and walks up to the cage , looking steadily at the man cowering in the corner who gestures inarticulately at her not to do this. She never stops looking at him as she turns the key in the lock and beckons him to hand her his spare. Taking her own key she slowly, calmly swallows it in one jerky motion. Then, with the ghost of a smile she hands Spock the spare, miming breaking. He snaps the old metal like a twig and silently hands it back to her. She turns to the man in the cage, still close to the bars, and presses the broken pieces to his lips until they bleed –

" _Suck it –"_ she whispers in a voice so soft only Spock hears, and forces it into his mouth – " _Now swallow"_. His eyes run tears but he does. " _Good boy"_ she whispers, watching for a long while as he curls back into his corner in broken despair. Finally she turns to Uhura, her eyes glittering –

"Aislinn" she says aloud, voice soft and cracked, hoarse from underuse, the loud enough for the others to hear- "My name- is Aislinn".

Spock sees Uhura smile through tears that tell him she finally understands. She takes the girl's hand like a friend –

"Help me – with the others?" she says. Aislinn smiles and nods.

Spock leaves them to it to return to the one last thing he has to do here. He makes his way back to the chair room with a sword borrowed from Chekov. As he nears the door he hears a mighty crashing noise from within that suggests someone has beaten him to it. He pushes the door open roughly, annoyed –

"Mr Sulu I believe I told you –" he breaks off. It is not Sulu.

He enters in time to see Kirk violently smash the last fragments of chair to pieces and turn to face him, breathing deeply. His image shudders in the pulsing strobe light flickering unhealthily above tem, outlining him in shivering silver. Spock can see his muscles tense, coiled and alive, his mouth set in grim satisfaction and his eyes flash fire.

"Sorry Spock" he exhales, not sorry in the slightest – "But this party's mine to crash and –" he gestures the rubble that was chair, grinning – "I had this dance reserved."

_x_

**Next chapter it's Kirk's turn ….'cause payback's not yet over!**

**Yes, I sort of stole a concept from "The Crow" here….also I may have stolen lines but they're soooo good – it just worked! And yes, Spock has gone a little insane, I already have plans to lengthen this story by a few chapters to deal with the fallout from this….but next it's Kirk's turn to kick ass!**


	10. All Other Bedevilments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may seem really OOC but please remember that Kirk has been through so much that he had to take lying down and is suffering from major trauma and Spock….well that's going in an interesting direction and will unfold as we progress. Again, icky graphic violence!

10.

The governor of district nineteen resides in an apartment suite that goes way and beyond opulent, overlooking the town square. Such is the moral climate of the district that these magisterial rooms have recently become renowned, more than anything, for the governor's increasingly debauched parties, spilling into the early hours of every morning. Tonight is a rare occasion in that it is not one of those nights. Tonight the lighting is low, the walls and carpets free from blood and the sadism and screaming at possibly an all time low. The governor and maybe a dozen others talk and laugh with every appearance of gentility whilst a couple of bought slaves are forced to fight to the death in front of the fireplace. It is fight to death and the winner lives to fight or both will be tortured to death; either way the gentility will get their money's worth. Glasses clink and somebody laughs gently to hear the soft sound of a slave in the next room forgetting not to scream. Suddenly a shot cracks across the room and everything changes. A red faced man standing against the mantelpiece folds to his knees clutching his bleeding shoulder struggling to comprehend the feeling of pain. Amidst the jumping and the shouts of surprise all heads eventually turn to the man in the doorway with the gun in one hand and katana in the other.

Kirk nods to the slaves by the fire –

"You two might want to leave".

They do not need telling twice; there is a look in that young man's eyes that leaves no room for argument. It does not escape Kirk's notice that this is the second time he has had the attention of every man in this room, but this time it is all of them looking to him with the fear and the hate –

"Hey –" one of them says, slowly – "I remember you –" he almost smirks, before realising what a bad idea this would be. Another one joins him in recognition –

"Yeah –" he jerks his head at Kirk in disgust, like towards a badly behaved pet – "Who gave you the right to think you were people?"

His question is answered with a crossbow bolt to the head, his skull caving in as he falls, the men near him scurrying instinctively away to avoid being splashed with his brains –

"I did" says Spock, appearing behind Kirk in the doorway, like a black shadow, crossbow raised –"Any further objections?" Curiously there are none and only the men nearest the doorway hear the human hiss –

"Where the hell did you get a crossbow? I wait forever to use this cool katana and you go get a fuckin' crossbow?"

"Do you wish to swap weapons at this time?"

" _So_ not the time Spock! Later! Now –" he addresses the room again, sharply - "Which one of you is Governor Chiron?" Nobody moves. Kirk nods, not surprised. He nods, grimly – "Let me rephrase –Is Governor Chiron able to answer for himself with or without my continuing to shoot his friends until he does?" His eyes scan the room, unforgivingly, until one man, slowly, shakily gets to his feet, beneath the frightened gaze of the rest of the room.

"Well, I'm glad to see you managed to find your balls at least the once –" he fires another shot from the gun, aimed lower this time – "Too bad it was  _only_ the once." The governor screams and drops to the floor, howling in pain and the horror of knowing he will have to go the rest of his life a eunuch. Kirk walks into the room to kick the man on the floor, who only stops screaming eventually to stare up at him with streaming eyes and complete lack of comprehension –

"What I ever do – to you?" he gasps out stupidly – "Who the hell  _are_ you man?"

Kirk kneels down, over the man, to look him in the eye –

"You don't remember me Governor? And I thought we got so  _close –"_  he punches him in the face for the memory of it – "I am one of the last slaves you ever hurt and I'm the guy telling you that the trade ends today. Right here. Right now. And if I ever find out that things have gone otherwise I will personally make sure that you and all your friends are the first slaves on the market. Is that clear, or do I need to make a further demonstration?"

"What the  _fuck?_ How do you-  _fuck_  you you upstart god damn slave –" he gets no further before he is freshly splattered with the blood of another of his friends as a crossbow bolt rips through the man's chest.

"Spock please chill with the fucking crossbow!" Kirk leans in closer to tell the governor almost conversationally – "You'll have to forgive my friend. He likes to kill things when they rape and fucking torture me. You should be thanking me for letting you live. It's a fight you know.  _He's_ all for strangling you with your large intestine –" Spock has another of the men in a grip around the throat –

"I can provide a demonstration if you wish Governor?"

"He's helpful that way – what do you say? Am I getting through yet?" The governor nods frantically, still whimpering in agony. Kirk still bends over him, standing on his shoulder and holding the katana to his neck –

"Use your words Governor."

"Yes!" the man growls, throat hoarse, from pain and terror, Kirk cannot help but faintly smirk to see that he has pissed himself in fear – "Yes, anything you say!"

"Oh thank god –" Kirk sighs- "I did so want to have you live a good long while in the knowledge that you'll never get to use your dick again. Now all I need is a thank you for letting you live and we'll be on our way –"

They leave to the sound of the governor sobbing thanks into the carpet, that they barely do him the justice of listening to, Kirk muttering to Spock –

" _Told_ you I'd find an actual party to crash"

"I am not sure that qualifies."

"Spock?"

"Cap – Jim?"

"Crossbow?"

Spock hands it to him. Kirk whips back round to fire a bolt back into the room, handing the crossbow back to Spock with a grin at the sound of more screaming –

"It's not like I'm going to be going on any more semi – psychotic killing sprees in the near future – might as well make the most of it. Spock?"

"Jim?"

"Where'd you get the crossbow?"

It belongs to Mr Scott –and the gun?"

"Sulu's. Spock when were you going to tell me about this?"

"I was – planning not to have to."

Kirk stops walking and turns to face Spock with a half a sigh –

"I'm kind of mad about this" he admits – "Spock I know you're angry but it was  _me_ that got hurt. Don't you think if anyone gets to dole out payback it should have been me?"

"But you said –" Spock frowns – "The last time I had cause to feel this way you said that this instinct for revenge – that it was not who we are – I thought –"

"I lied. I didn't even mean that at the time. That speech – that was totally scripted for me. Spock I  _saw_ what you did to Khan, there was footage – do you really think after that I would have  _chosen_ to say revenge wasn't our order of the day when clearly it is?"

"Oh" Spock looks awkward and slightly abashed – "I did not know."

"Spock I think it's hot as hell that you'd avenge me like that – but I can't lie and tell you this whole thing hasn't fucked with me – I'm fucked up enough – and I can't think of a better way to use that fucked up feeling than to ensure this shit never happens here again. I think – I really  _hope -_ we may have done some good here, and I'm not gonna apologise for that, okay?"

"Okay"

"But you're not."

"What?"

"You're not okay Spock –" Kirk sighs, "we have to fix this."

"Jim –"for the first time since they beamed down Spock starts to shake – "I am – after what they did to you – I could kill each and every one of them, I could hurt them until forever and take pleasure in their suffering – I –" he looks down, furious and stubborn, not wanting to meet Kirk's eyes – "I – I'm scared – Jim –" he whispers, so quiet Kirk can barely hear – "I am afraid that I am not myself but no –" he shakes his head- "It is worse – I am afraid that this  _is_ myself – that everything I try to be is a lie and this pain – this  _fury_ is all I really am –" his words break off, the whirlpool of fear and confusion too much to express –  _Monster, some kind of monster, no logic, no reason – never was, constructs and nothing more, caging myself in rationalism I do not even believe in, don't know who I am - insane, emotional monster help me, scared of myself, what self - help me –_ "Jim please –" he looks up finally, his eyes frantic – "Help me be something more."

"Spock –" Kirk's eyes soften, and smile at the Vulcan and he sticks the gun in his belt to stroke Spock's face and keep his eye contact – "  _I_ know who you are. And you  _are_ everything you want to be- and more and also –"

"Yes?"

" _Mine."_

Spock holds onto him until the drowning feeling subsides and transforms and Jim is kissing him and reminding him that yes, there is more in him than hate and that so many emotions all at once can cure each other and bring peace. At some point Kirk calls the ship to have them beamed back, but Spock is still kissing him when they materialise in the transporter room. But after the day that they've had and the things that he's seen Scotty just rolls his eyes and pretends not to have seen until he overhears the Captain whisper –"Your place or mine Mr Spock?"

"Ach – now that's pushing it just a wee bit too far Captain!" he buts in – "I don't care who's place as long as it's out of my transporter room!"

"Sorry Scotty" Kirk mumbles, just for which Scotty pretends not to have seen Spock pick the Captain up and carry him out the door.

_x_

Back down in District Nineteen Spock stands in the doorway of the Governor's main salon, surveying the room of dead bodies in which nobody has been left alive, the room decorated floor to ceiling with tiny pieces of Governor Chiron and his acquaintances. Spock watches himself and Kirk as they stop, kiss and beam back up to their ship.

"Fascinating" he murmurs and a tiny smile pulls at the corner of his lip.

_x_

….and suddenly this story went in an even stranger direction than I had anticipated! Yes kids, there are two Spocks in the building! Sorry for the wait on this chapter ….but I find this story quite hard to write and have to keep breaking off to work on my fluffy fics instead! Having said that there should be less of a wait for the next chapter which will be mostly porn!

 


	11. Master of Myself

**11.**

They end up back in the Captain's quarters, mainly because Kirk has a double bed and Spock does not. Spock places Kirk upon it with infinite gentleness, kneeling down beside the bed to kiss him, tentative as a butterfly, stroking him like a beautiful, intricate piece of glass. Kirk frowns and sighs with pleasure at the same time – it has been so long since anyone touched him like they cared that it feels wonderful but at the same time a little terrifying. He looks at Spock to see him looking back at him with such depth of feeling as to ease his fear and make him shiver all at once. It is too easy to become used to only receiving abuse and Kirk curses himself for weakness in having become unused to pure, tender emotions.

"Spock –" he says, quietly – "I'm not gonna break. You don't have to be  _that_ gentle with me."

Spock struggles to find words, instead starting to slowly remove Kirk's clothes, kissing each inch of revealed skin as if his lips could wash away the bruises and hurt, gently tracing the damaged flesh with healing fingers that would if they could, make all new again. Spock too is concerned, afraid of hurting him, afraid that any intimate touch could awaken bad memories and afraid now also of making it worse by being  _too_ gentle, too conscientious. He also feels slightly confused at how suddenly all of the anger and rage that led him through the last few hours has just disappeared. He can feel none of the previous hatred for the people who put these marks on his T'hy'la, none of that rage, the urge towards violence. He wonders if this is because those urges have been assuaged, but still it feels somehow strange.

_x_

"Spock to bridge."

"Bridge here."

"Mr. Sulu, I appear to have been unrecalled from Priapus Twelve with the rest of the landing party. Permission to beam up."

"My apologies Commander – I believed Mr Scott to have recalled everyone."

"He was – not available when I contacted the transporter room."

"I'll send someone round Sir, Stand by to beam up."

"Thank you Mr Sulu."

_x_

"Jim, trust me"

"I do"

"I would never hurt you".

Kirk frowns, this not being entirely true of their usual sexual relations and liking it that way. But he does not argue it when Spock is beside him trailing kisses across his face and neck and around the ears where it really makes him wriggle, both of them now undressed and the Vulcan's hands making his skin tingle everywhere they touch.

"Any way you want it Spock –"he moans, arching in towards him, gasping when his erection rubs against Spock's – "Just never stop touching me –"

"Affirmative Captain" Spock growls softly into his ear. Kirk whimpers softly –

"Did I ever tell you to call me Jim? You can call me Captain  _any_ time". He feels the curious sensation of Spock smiling against his skin, rolling him onto his back to continue tracing kisses down his chest, crawling down his body, fingers sliding gracefully around his thighs and dipping his head to lick a stripe up Kirk's cock. Kirk cannot restrain himself from whining and arching his hips, bucking upwards as Spock takes him completely in his mouth.

_x_

Ten minutes later Spock beams into the transporter room, thanks Ensign Willis and abruptly leaves. Less than two minutes later Scotty comes back in, looking puzzled and eating a sandwich –

"Who was that just leaving?" he frowns.

"Mr Spock sir, I was just sent over to beam him back up."

"Mr Spock?"

"Yes sir."

"That's preposterous laddie!"

"Why Sir?"

"Why – Mr Spock is already on board!"

_x_

Kirk's fists ball in the sheets, his orgasm crashing over him in a wave of pure white pleasure that goes deeper than physical, leaving him shaking and quivering in wonderful relief. It feels like something in him has been healed and when Spock rolls over onto his side next to him Kirk curls happily into his arms.

_I love you_ he thinks, too breathless to speak.

_And I you_ Spock's thoughts fly back to him. Kirk smiles to hear it, as he always does but he also frowns. Spock's thoughts sound different from usual. When he probes a bit his searching confirms that Spock's entire  _mind_ feels different. Like something is missing, but he cannot work out what he is.

"Spock?" he says aloud – "You okay?"

"Remarkably so Jim" he replies truthfully.

"Remarkably?"

"I feel – most content – and quite –"  _without purpose_ Kirk thinks, but hides it from Spock, because it should not be a bad thing, but it feels like it is.

" – peaceful" Spock finishes.

Kirk thinks back to how troubled he had felt before they beamed back on board –

"No more not knowing who you are? All the big scary animal feels – all gone?"

"Completely –" Spock smiles faintly, and it troubles Kirk even more, realising that Spock is being too apathetic to even be concerned at the sudden change. Strange too, that he should be aware of a different pattern to Spock's thoughts when Spock himself is not.

"Completely?" Kirk echoes, disbelieving.

"Almost as though I had left that entire part of me behind on Priapus twelve" Spock murmurs.

As if on cue comes the hissing sound of the door opening and closing. Kirk starts and sits bolt upright in bed –

"I am sorry to disappoint you Commander" comes a cool voice from the doorway as the newcomer strides in, smirking derisively at the Spock in the bed and eyeing Kirk like a predator would its prey. Kirk stares in astonishment from one Spock to another, his face contorted with confusion until he final manages to speak and all he can get out is –

"What the fuck?!"

_x_


	12. The face inside

**10.**

Kirk opens and closes his mouth several times, looking from Spock to Spock –

"I – don't understand" he says finally – needlessly considering his expression of bewilderment – "There are – two of you –  _why_ are there two of you?"

The Spock beside him looks downwards in distress and the other laughs chillingly; at the same time the one says –

"We are both of us real" and the other says –

" _I_ am of course!"

"I don't understand" Kirk repeats.

" _He_ does" smirks the new Spock, eyeing his double derisively – "Ask him".

Spock gets out of bed slowly, putting on a dressing gown as it is both awkward and unconvincing to square up to an enemy naked. Kirk watches carefully as he approaches the newcomer, noting their marked differences in posture and stance. While his Spock – or what he had thought of as his Spock – is tense, measured, his anger visible but reined and his body stiff with it – the other is coiled and lithe, fluid as an animal about to pounce.

"I dislike you" Spock says coolly. The other laughs –

"Liar" he spits back promptly – "You  _hate_ me! You wish I was dead. But you would never say it would you, oh no. You would not admit me to yourself like that –"

"Go. Away." Spock grits out between his teeth – "As if I have not told you enough. I do not want you. Nor need you – and  _this_ is too much –"

"You. Don't. Want. Me. " Spock barks a short harsh laugh – "As if I did not know. But you  _do_ need me Mr. Spock and you know it. I  _am_ you –"

"You are – not necessary to me" Spock hisses back.

"I  _am_  – and therein lies your problem".

Kirk watches them both clench fists and their sides, wondering why he feels like he has come in on the end of an old and long argument –

"Do you two –  _know_ each other?" he frowns, wishing he could phrase it better and feeling like it must be the most stupid thing he could possibly say. The newer and more dangerous Spock chuckles humorlessly –

" _Intimately"_ he drawls, looking sideways at Kirk.

"Are you – are you his human half?"

This time Spock laughs aloud –

"Oh he'd like you to think so" he purrs, mockingly – "He'd like you to think that  _that's_ the reason he fights me off so hard. That all those pesky emotions are  _human_ weaknesses, but –"

"Shut up." Whispers Spock, fiercely.

"I WILL NOT!" the other suddenly roars with terrible violent ferocity – "Do you  _know_ how dull it is being stuck in your head? "Shut up" is all I ever hear from you – and all you do with it is make me stronger. All you do in trying to keep me chained is to make me  _more_ violent, more  _emotional_ and more  _you!"_ He lashes out fast and grabs Spock by the neck – "I could kill you and you know it – I am stronger than you and you are  _nothing_ without me.  _You_ would be the one that nobody would miss –" his face contorts with rage. His fingers digging into Spock's throat before hurling him to the floor –

" _He_ wants –" he sneers, addressing Kirk – "To siphon me off. To call me human and himself Vulcan and then forget I exist. But he never will. You never will –" he spits down at Spock – "because you  _know_ how Vulcan passions run – that you  _feel_ more deeply than any human not because you are human but because you are  _Vulcan._ You tell yourself these "Weaknesses" come from your human mother when really you know they come from the _Vulcan_ who fell in love with her. You call them weaknesses when they are your strengths. Your love. Your hate. Your fear. Your savagery. They define you –  _I_ define you – and I am more you than you are –"

"Jim –" Spock whispers from the floor – "Don't listen to him – he's lying –"

Spock kicks him brutally –

" _You're_ the liar – In  _that_ it is you who are the more human. You are more defined by  _him_ than by yourself –" he gestures Kirk. Spock ceases to answer back to himself, ashamed by the knowledge that he speaks the truth. He has after all, been in this argument his whole life.

"Spock –" Kirk nods slowly towards the newcomer – "I believe you". Spock turns to him, grinning crookedly –

"Of course you do –" he smiles – "You know him better than he does and you know me –" he glides over to the bed, resting a knee beside Kirk's leg – "You know me better than anyone – Jim –" he strokes the side of the human's face almost tenderly, but with hints of electricity crackling between them – "Ashayam.  _You_ created me at least as much as he did – for it was only when you appeared that he stopped being able to ignore me – and when you were taken it was  _I_ who avenged you. yes, you know me Jim, I am every violent feeling he has ever had and I can thank you for most of them my love –"

"NO!" Spock wrenches himself from the floor to throw the other Spock away from Kirk, hurling  _him_ across the room and pinning him down –

"He is  _not_ yours!" he snarls. Spock pushes him back –

"Idiot! He was  _always_ mine!"

"You!" Spock growls – "You know nothing of sense and reason – or that which is gentle and good. He  _is_ good and so he is  _mine!"_

"Sense and reason!" Scoffs Spock - "Where do they belong in love? Love isn't brains you fool –  _love_ is a psychopath! A fire in the blood, unreasoned and out of control and you know  _nothing_ of that – you do not deserve him –"

Once again both Spocks are on their feet and on the point of violence.

"I  _know –"_ Spock retorts – "That I will die before I see you have him –"

"Been there." Spock laughs, sneering – "Done that. As if  _you_ even could – you – you're a cowardly hypocrite afraid of your own erection! You couldn't –"

Two things happen then, very quickly. First Spock moves to punch his aggressor. At the same time Kirk hurls himself between them, grabbing his wrist and holding the other Spock at arms' length.

"That is  _enough_ from both of you!" he yells – "For fucks sake –" he looks between them, breathing heavily , fire a little quenched by realising that he has no clothes on – "Jesus! – I mean –" he lets go of Spock's wrist to run a hand exasperatedly through his hair – "It's sexy and all – you two fighting over me – but seriously – do you really think it's necessary?"

"Jim –" says the one, and "You do not understand –" says the other. Kirk glares at them both –

"Yeah – you know what? – I think I finally do. You –" he indicates logical Spock – "You've been trying so hard to suppress your instincts that they took on a life of their own. After what happened on Priapus twelve you cracked so hard that that became quite literally the case.  _You –"_ he indicates the other Spock – "Were drawn back to him 'cause pure instinct can't function alone, but  _you_ –" indicating back – "You  _need_ him too – shut up, you do. Because without him you're this boring ass pussy who lies to himself and you tried to lie to me – that's –" he frowns – "That's kinda hurtful Spock". The other grins and nods –

"I could not have put it better myself."

"Can it sunshine, I'm getting to you – you're not perfect either! – 'Cause without  _him_ you're – well man you're a freaking psycho – and anyway it's not up to you, either of you, to fight for  _me_. It's up to me – well it's up to me to tell you I want  _both_ of you."

"You want –"

"- both of us –"

"Do I take it you are implying –"

"And – simultaneously?"

"What, you think I can't handle it? C'mon Spock – when you think about it – I've been handling you both since we met."

And with that Kirk takes both Spocks by the hand and leads them to the bed.

_x_

**Next chapter it all gets fun! But I discovered there was a lot more angst involved in this scenario than anticipated! Also yes I quoted LXG and very nearly Buffy - it's hard not to in these Jekyll and Hyde scenarios!**

**Random note, previous chapter titles have all been from CS Lewis "The Silver chair" but I've kind of exhausted that scene now so this chapter title is (I'm sorry!) from Linkin park's "Papercut".**


	13. Few return to the Sunlit Lands

**In which Kirk is the filling in a Spock sandwich!**

**13.**

"Spock" Kirk whispers, more growling than gentle, pushing the one into the bed and straddling him. He dips his head to kiss him, deeply and fiercely, no longer even trying to ignore the frantic swirl of lust and excitement that has overtaken him. He tries to not even think about it too much for fear his head could explode – two of Spock! It is like the universe looking in on a slightly guilty fantasy and answering it. He knows that the two will have to become one again before too long but hopes to hell that it is not before he has taken full advantage of the current situation.

He holds Spock down by the wrists, grinding against him in delight, groaning aloud – and positively wantonly – when he feels the other Spock behind him – this one now also already undressed – taking hold of his hips and rubbing his erection against him. It makes him want to cry for joy – all of the times he has been torn between wanting to have Spock and wanting Spock to have him and this time he does not need to choose. He arches himself back against Spock, offering himself up at the same time as claiming the other with hands and lips and tongue.

Needy and impatient he takes the lube from beside the bed, sliding his fingers into Spock whilst preparing his own now aching erection. With very little warning Spock thrusts into him hard, still open from last time but making him cry out nonetheless. This Spock likes it when he cries out and does not restrain a growl of pleasure at the sound. In response Kirk removes his fingers and shoves hard into Spock in retaliation. Spock makes a faint sound of pain and Kirk takes hold of his cock, stroking him soothingly and then maddeningly. Kirk closes his eyes in a blissful moment of stillness, registering the fact that Spock is inside him and he is inside Spock  _at the same time_ – his brain nearly short circuits just from this awareness.

But the Spock inside him is merciless and, leaving little time for contemplation, begins to slam into him remorselessly, a pace which Kirk replicates as he thrusts into Spock in turn and in time. Spock is brutal and perfect and Kirk screams, groans, growls and curses – sounds all tumbled together as tears threaten to spill from him. The incredible feeling of being ball deep in Spock does nothing to keep the tears at bay and he sobs uncontrollably; tears of pain, tears of sheer pleasure and tears of complete ecstatic intensity.

He clutches at Spock, squeezing his cock and digging his nails int his shoulder as he feels his body battered between the two of them. Eyes all but rolling back he shudders on the edge for a moment before coming hard into Spock with a final savage thrust. His spasms push both of them over the edge with him until both are soon coming into his body and over his skin before collapsing in a breathless pile of trembling limbs.

Kirk rolls himself between the two Spocks, panting and tingling all over. They both curl around him, holding him possessively from both sides. Kirk turns his head from side to side like a rather smug contented cat, smiling to see the warmth in both sets of familiar eyes.

"I feel so loved" he murmurs happily.

"You should" Spock says – one or both of them, he can't even tell right now – just kisses one, then the other slowly and deeply.

"Fascinating" he says eventually, realising only too late that the last thing this situation requires is a third Spock – "You're both so different and yet –"

Spock almost snorts –

"We are  _completely_ different –"

"With one exception in that –"

"-there is no part of me –"

"- that does not love you."

Kirk looks back and forth between them, trying to keep up and eventually laughs –

"I take it back –" he smiles – "You're  _identical._ I couldn't pick a favourite."

"Even though I would never hold back or fear to tell you I love you?"

"Even though you could always trust me?" They say simultaneously. Kirk sighs –

"I think –" he says thoughtfully – "You both need to stop thinking the other guy is the bad guy – 'cause I don't think that's how it is. That's not the way you've divided – and I love you both. I –  _need_ you both. I love _everything_ and you are everything to me –" he flushes a little at this confession – "Okay?" He glares at them both until they both nod.

"Good" he nods back – "Now for god's sake please fuck me again. It's not every day I get an opportunity like this."

Before long he is back on his knees, sucking Spock's enormous cock whilst the Vulcan fucks him once again. He'd scream if he could but he knows Spock can hear him in his head and that's fine. Right now there is little he would not be happy with. This is his moment of complete perfection and when the two of them come inside him it feels like a baptism of bliss, leaving him shaking and sore and utterly transcendent. He lies back, skin singing and perfectly wrapped up in his two Spock's, both saddened and content in the knowledge that this cannot last. But the sadness fades and finally he is just happy.

"So –" he says – "You think you two can learn to live with each other?"

"We will not stay this way forever Jim"

"That's not what I meant. I meant – I guess - that I hope you've learned something from this experience – as I'm sure Bones would say if he was here."

"I must confess I am pleased that he is not" Spock arches an eyebrow, crinkling his nose just a little at the thought of it.

"I believe we have at least found a common ground" says the other Spock, taking the question more seriously.

"I do hope that's me" grins Kirk. Both Spocks gently roll their eyes at him.

"It is ground I confess I could tread again" says Spock, trailing a hand down his body. Kirk pushes it away sleepily –

"Nuh – fucked out. Go fuck yourself" he says amiably.

"Under normal circumstances I would tell you that is an impossible request –" begins the other Spock. Kirk's eyes twinkle, thinking –

"Oh wow –" he groans – "You really  _could."_

"Jim –" Spock starts warningly –

"I am not remotely attracted to  _him"_ the other agrees.

"I have to inform you the feeling is mutual" says the other.

"Boys please!" sighs Kirk – "Don't be silly children and do this thing for me?  _Please?"_

One Spock glances over at the other and Kirk knows he has got his own way again. Beaming he heaves himself over to recline across the foot of the bed watching them expectantly and even though he had said he could not he soon gets hard again watching the one Spock mount and penetrate the other. After all it is the only way he could ever watch Spock get fucked without getting jealous. He watches, cock in hand, the knowledge that they are doing this  _for him_ making it all the better. Eventually they come as one and when the two of them collapse into the sheets the one on top merges into the other, sinking inside him completely until there is just the one body, containing the two of them once more. Spock lies where he fell, still and thoughtful, until Kirk slides back in beside him, holding him close.

"So how does it feel?" he asks, gently but with incurable curiosity – "Just being one again?"

Spock frowns, pausing a while before answering –

"I am not" he says, finally – "I never was. I suspect I never shall be but I feel more –  _myself_ perhaps than I have ever felt –" he turns his eyes up to Kirk's face, wide and trusting – "That's due to  _you_ Jim –" Kirk feels him smile inside – "Always you."

"You think you could learn to live together?"

"I think – we have learnt more from being apart than we did in many years together. But it's not  _we_ anymore Jim, it's all just me. It was always just me. I should have known. Jim?"

"Yes Spock?"

"Are you disappointed? Now there's only one of me?"

"Never" Kirk replies easily, kissing the tip of Spock's ear – "And as you say – there isn't. There never was. I don't think any of us have just the one nature, and we're not plural either, it's just how we are ….and it's cool."

"It's….cool?" Spock frowns.

"Spock I'm tired, swimming in bliss and had a long long week. I'm done for clever thinking now okay?"

"O – kay."

Kirk snuggles down against Spock and is asleep within moments. Spock watches him for a long time and gently kisses his forehead –  _It is true –_ he thinks –  _there are so many ways in which two can be one._ He falls asleep around him, protecting and protected and it is, as he thinks – perfect.

_x_

**Oh wow – I've nearly made it, this is genuinely the last proper chapter – just an epilogue to follow! It's taken so long and twisted up so strangely….I hope it didn't get too weird! Thank you for sticking with me! :-)**


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